“Mommy, I will be seven in four days!”
Your words instantly pulled at my heart strings and caused
an unexpected flow of emotion.
Those numbers, seven and four, that is how old you both were
when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Those numbers will remain forever ingrained on my heart.
Seven and four, that is when our little world was knocked
off of its axis. I look back at the
pictures before my diagnosis and see an innocence that is not present
anymore. I hate that my sickness took
that from you. I hate the little things
that it robbed me of. When I was
diagnosed we were watching Bubble Guppies and Star Wars Cartoons, playing with Little Tykes Toys and Cars, and then
suddenly you had outgrown those sweet playthings of childhood. I look at you both now and see tiny adults,
with your own opinions and personalities growing and expanding so quickly.
Cancer did give us many gifts, but I know that more than anything
it left a mark within your spirits that has changed all of us. It taught us the importance of love, faith, and
kindness. To never take anything for
granted, and to appreciate everything.
Seven in four days, wow. I cannot wait to see you grow into adults, raise children of your own - It is my deepest desire.
I am so lucky to be here, so lucky to see all of these beautiful
milestones. We had princesses come to
your party again this year. I imagine
that by next year you will want something a little more adventurous, maybe
Boomerang or skating. I am so very proud
of the beautiful little lady that you are quickly becoming.
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Sometimes I find myself lost in the wonder of survivor hood. I feel very guilty for not updating as often
as I once did. The truth is that I am indulging in living.
It warms my heart to have so many of you reach out to see
how I am. “Every day is different,” is
my go to answer. I still have an ache deep within my hips, sometimes it is hard to get up, harder than I would like to admit. Hard enough that I was given a handicapped placard for my car. At first I didn't use it, it made me sad to even look at it. Now I pull it out more often, especially after a long day.
I am elated to know that the pain is not cancer,
but instead the after effects of chemo that just make me achy from time to
time. I do my very best not to complain,
because I am here – living, breathing, loving.
I have a chance at life anew, and there isn’t a day that goes by that
that miracle is not lost on me.
There have been many wonderful occurrences since my last
update.
We are doing to Disney – and we are flying first class.
This is a true miracle, and one that I am breathlessly
excited about. As a family we have never
been on vacation, and the kids and I have never flown. We have never stayed in a hotel, or been
farther than a days drive from home (and our animals). I cannot wait to experience the pure magic
that is Disney with my family. It is going
to be amazing. I still need help booking
our fast passes if anyone is interested.
We got a puppy! His name is Sir Lancelot, and he fits into our family perfectly.
The kids are doing beautifully in school this year. Elayna won the Kindness award for the second
year in a row. Tommy has maintained
perfect grades and is excelling in all of his subjects. I am so proud to be their mommy.
As a side note, Tommy recently called me mom. When he realized he had said mom, not mommy it
brought tears to both our eyes. I took
him in my arms and told him that even if he is getting older, I would prefer to
be “Mommy” for as long as possible. He smiled, and said that he just wanted to hear how it sounded.
I am having surgery again at the end of the month. This procedure is purely cosmetic. If you have seen me in the past year or so
you know that my port scar is changing.
The best way to describe it is that it looks like a bullet wound, which
as I was reminded by a beautiful friend is stunningly accurate. Cancer hit me like a bullet to the chest.
Although that is an awesome conversation starter, I hate
it. I am not sure why it has spread the
way it did- almost into my body, but my plastic surgeon is willing to fix it
for me. Since I have met the deductible
for the year it won’t cost us anything out of pocket.
This procedure will just bring all of the skin flush, I don’t
think it will change the actual appearance of the scar (but I am hopeful). The other thing is that I will be awake! I was awake during my port removal – you may remember
that my amazing friend Courtney had them play New Kids on the Block for me
during the entire procedure. I wonder if
Dr. Stanwicks would be willing to do that for me too?
I cannot begin to tell you all how much you mean to me. From time to time I still receive get well
cards, and prayer cards. Sweet texts and private messages, they all mean more
to me that you could possibly imagine. This
year I have met many new warriors, too many.
My heart both swells and breaks each time I am introduced to a new
survivor. I am thankful beyond words to know
them, to be entrusted with their stories and friendships, but heartbroken that
they will need to endure the beast of cancer.
Continue to hold us in your hearts. Never forget to smile at strangers and hug
the ones you love.
#fightlikeamommy
#itisstillmyfairytale
