Saint Pio

This weekend was hard.  That is possibly an understatement.  Realizing that I had ten days before life altering surgery was stunning.  I felt an immediate need to cram at least a months worth of fun, snuggles, and memories into the next few days.  And then I cried, a lot.  Cancer, the whole of it stinks.  It is grossly unfair, not just to me - but to my friends and family. It is the most unfair to my husband and my babies.

I have to be very honest that I am so afraid of this next part of my journey.  I am quite terrified of walking into an eight to ten hour surgery.  Lets be really honest, I haven't slept for a full 8 hours in at least 8 years without having to get up because someone has a bad dream, or needs a glass of milk, or because sometimes when an almost two hundred pound dog snores it sounds a little like a child asking for mommy.

Just so you know, when you go to check on the child who is sleeping soundly you will absolutely wake up all 4 dogs and the cats (3 of them) and everyone will then need to go potty. In the process you will probably wake up at least one sleeping child.  



When I was at my most anxious over the weekend David held me tight and suggested that I go take a hot shower to relax.  I agreed and went back to our bedroom to take off my jewelry.  I always put my wedding rings in a special spot in my jewelry box, as I took them off to put them away I noticed a metal in the exact spot where my rings should have gone.  Curious, I picked it up.  It was a medal for St. Pio.  On the front was a beautiful engraving of his likeness.  On the back is the inscription, "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry."  I cried, great big tears.  It was the sign I had been waiting for.  Pray, hope, don't worry.  How beautifully simple, and the exact powerful words that I needed to hear.

If that message wasn't strong enough, a few minutes later I was getting the water ready for my shower when I heard a notification from Facebook.  One of my dear friends had posted St. Pio's Saint card to my wall with the same inscription, "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry."  This time I didn't cry, I smiled. I have never received a sign so clearly.  Next week I will be held gently in the palm of His hands as I go through surgery to remove the cancer in my breasts.  I have been at such peace since this weekend.  I am still worried, but peaceful knowing that I will be wrapped in love and prayer and that Jesus will be protecting me through all of it.

Thank you all for your love and support.  Your messages and smiles mean the world to me.  Please keep us in your thoughts in the coming weeks.  Continue to spread the word of early detection. So many doctors have expressed what a miracle it is that I found my tumor.  Had I waited until I was old enough for a mammogram chances are I would be dead.  Please listen to your body, do self checks, go to your annual visits, and get your yearly mammogram.



#fightlikeamommy

chemoflage

Until a few weeks ago I had no idea what "chemoflage" was.  I was talking to my oncologist about my wig, and how it was starting to become really uncomfortable. She told me that I had been wearing my "chemoflage" very well, for a very long time, and that maybe it was time to give myself a break.

It made me stop and think.  My hair was a huge part of my identity.  I look back at pictures of myself and with the exception of one unfortunate haircut in the 5th grade, my hair has always fallen gracefully down my back.  I loved my hair.  When people tell me how pretty it is going to be when it comes back, how chemo curls are so pretty; I have to be honest that it makes me want to scream.  My hair was pretty perfect before, and although at this point I will be happy with just about anything that sprouts out of my head, I loved my hair.

I have talked before about my "uniform" that I wore when I was teaching.  A pretty dress and heels were my armor when I walked into a classroom or meeting.  They made me feel confident, and comfortable.  When the chemotherapy stole my ability to wear heels on top of taking my hair and  throwing me into menopause causing acne and hot flashes at 36, it affected me in a way I can't even begin to explain.  Not only did I no longer feel like Rebecca, I also no longer looked like her.

So, unknowingly I developed my own chemoflage.  Just like any solider that needs to blend into their environment, I worked hard at figuring out how to look the most like me that I could.  A huge part of my chemoflage was my assortment of wigs.  Currently I have 4 of them, every day since August I have been sure to wear one.  They made life easier, I don't appear sick when I have the wig on.  In fact, in many cases as long as I was wearing the wig most people didn't realize I was sick unless I told them.  This ability to function at work and in the community without looking like someone who is sick was wonderful for me.  I don't want anyone to treat me differently because I have cancer.

It was over Thanksgiving that my skin became too sensitive to tolerate the wig anymore.  My scalp along with my nails became overly sensitive and I knew that it would not be long until I would have to start wearing scarves and hats in public.  I was heartbroken, and scared.

On Black Friday David and I took the kids to Build a Bear.  The kids were so excited, and I was positively giddy to join them in a adventure.  I decided this would be the moment, the time for me to brave the world with a scarf instead of my wig.  I made sure that my makeup was perfect, and I donned the beautiful cancer fighting shirt that was given to me by my sweet friend, Jessica, along with my beautiful scarf from my dearest Beth.  I was prepared.  I was confident.  We were walking through the parking lot of the mall and there was a car filled with teenagers who were shouting very inappropriate lyrics, very loudly out of the car windows.  I shot them my best disapproving mommy look, and they yelled out the window, "She bald!"

My heart sunk, my first thought was the kids. I looked at them, each one of them holding one of my hands.  Both of them seemed unaffected.  Then I looked at David and saw his anger and compassion for me.  In that moment I knew that I could not turn around (even though I wanted to crawl in the car, bawl my eyes out, and have the wig permanently attached to my head until my own hair comes back).  I was so proud of my family for continuing to move forward in spite of everything that has happened to us over the last several months.  I came to a realization - I am bald headed.  I have cancer.  I am fighting every single day for the opportunity to be here.   I am fighting for the privilege of seeing my children grow up, for the honor of standing by my husband's side as we grow old.  I am fighting to be present to hear about of all of the wonderful accomplishments and adventures of my former students.

So, we went to Build a Bear.  The kids both made adorable stuffies, and I kept my head high even without my safety net of the wig.  It was hard.  It takes immense courage to drop the chemoflage.

It took a another week before I was brave enough to go to work without my wig.  I learned a lot about myself.  I also learned that there were many people who truly didn't know I was sick.  It was exceptionally hard to see the look in their eyes.  The hardest was picking my children up from school. Seeing my kid's friends realize that Tommy & Elayna's mommy is sick almost brought me to my knees. It is really, really hard to see the effect of my cancer on other people.

It has been almost two full weeks now since I have worn a wig.  In many ways it is liberating, most of all I am so much more comfortable.  I am also thankful that I will no longer need to wash my hair in a bucket.

I think I will still wear the wig on fancy occasions as needed, but for now (thanks to the help and encouragement of many, many co-workers and my loving husband) I am learning how to wrap and tie scarves.  It is so much harder than you would think.  It is truly a myth (at least for me) that you save time getting ready in the morning due to the lack of hair.  It takes me just as long, and I still use just as much shampoo when I am in the shower.   The shampoo is mainly because believe it or not, from time to time I forget that I no longer have any hair.

I joke that I am now embracing my inner gypsy.  I am having fun exploring new and different looks, and trying to figure out how to match my scarves to my outfits.  I am also preparing for surgery.  It is astounding how quickly it is coming up.  Many of you have asked about what the surgery will entail.  I will be having a double mastectomy with immediate DIEP Flap reconstruction.  The surgery will last between 8 and 12 hours.  I will be in the hospital for 4 days and home from work for 8 weeks while I heal.  This is a link that will give you more detailed information on what the DIEP is if you are interested.  DIEP information

I am forever indebted to all of you for your kindness and generosity.  I knew I was loved, but never imagined just how much.  Thank you all for continuing to hold my family in your prayers.  I have my new chemo cocktail next Wednesday (the day before Christmas Eve).  I am hopeful that it will be as "easy" as they are describing, because I plan to fill this Christmas break with as much magic and as many adventures as I can pack into two weeks.

Hug your babies, smile at strangers, enjoy the season.  Take a moment to appreciate all the little things that make up the magic in your life.

All my love to all of you.

#fightlikeamommy 

Giving Thanks

When my fight with breast cancer began, I had no idea how powerful the journey would be. I could not possibly have anticipated how much it would change both who I am as a person, and my day to day life.

It gives me great peace to know that after tomorrow I will be finished with the first of my three stages of treatment.  There have been bad moments, hard times, tears that come from nowhere, and immeasurable fear, but I am thankful that there have been no bad days.  There is a powerful strength that comes from knowing that I am wrapped in prayer and love daily.  Recently, I received a letter from one of my cousins saying that I am being prayed for weekly during a Mass for Healing at two separate churches, one in France and one in Illinois.  I have another dear friend who is praying for each cell in my body daily, what a truly beautiful sentiment.  Another friend has sent prayer requests for me as far as South America.  So many of you write to me, or call me to tell me that I am in your thoughts and prayers.  I am so thankful for all of you, all of you that hold my family and I in your heart and take a moment out of your lives to think of us - thank you.  Your prayers are working.  My tumor is shrinking, this terrible yucky chemotherapy is doing it's job and soon life will slowly regain it's normalcy.

Last week, one of my childhood friends began a Go Fund Me page to help offset medical bills.  Many of you offered to do this for me, and for a long time I resisted, it is hard to ask for help.  I am moved by the generosity that has been shown to me in less than a week.  Moved is not a strong enough verb - I am touched to my core and in total awe of the generosity that has been shown to my family.  Colleagues, friends, family, people that I do not know that have seen my story, friends of friends, and those who wish to remain anonymous, all of you have made such a difference.  Reading your words of encouragement - seeing what you write about me as you share the posts, it melts my heart.  I knew I was loved, but have never ever known just how loved. Thank you all for that gift, it means more than anything else.

I also have two wonderful friends who set up a meal train, this has been such a wonderful blessing to us.  To come home, especially during the week of chemo, and not have to think about dinner - or going to the grocery store, that is a gift of pure love.  All of you that have provided nourishment for my family during this time please know that the words "thank you" will never be enough to tell you how much your gifts have meant to us.

If you are interested in seeing the beautiful words of inspiration the link is here Go Fund Me, Fight Like a Mommy .  Many of you inquired about purchasing a Fight Like a Mommy T-Shirt.  I set up an account where you can order one if you are interested Fight Like a Mommy Shirts, there is a little over a week left to order one.  These proceeds will also go to medical bills.

Tonight the David, the kids, and I went to the Bethlehem Walk.  It was beautiful, so very beautiful.  We were all moved by the words, and the beauty of re-creating the birth, and death of Christ.  We were so lucky to share the memory together. I am so thankful to have witnessed such amazing beauty with my little family.

I would like to ask of you all again to perform a random act of kindness tomorrow.  Smile at a stranger, hug a friend, call a relative that you haven't talked to in awhile, share a funny story with someone who seems sad.  Find a way spread love and joy in the world however you can.


#fightlikeamommy
#itisstillmyfairytale

The Calendar

It is the week after chemo, and as usual I am feeling down. I was putting away clothes in Elayna's bedroom and noticed that her calendar still reads "August."  It is November, but it makes perfect sense that her calendar stops in August, because that is when time began standing still.

August is when our lives changed forever.  It has always been my least favorite month, now I would just like to erase it all together.  In truth our pool toys still lay outside, mermaids and diving sticks waiting to partake in an endless summer afternoon that never happened.

This journey is more difficult than I ever imagined.  The simple act of being sick is overwhelming, all that comes with it is so unfair.  I am tired of not recognizing myself in the mirror, I am tired of smelling like poison, and tasting metal in my mouth.   This week I vomited so violently that I lost my voice.  I was unaware that was even a possibility. I am simply fed up with being sick, I am totally over it and ready for MY life to resume again.  I know it is a journey, I know that it will be over "soon," but it is tedious, and I am frustrated.

I have to admit that it feels good to be honest about it.  About not feeling great, being scared, and sometimes feeling so small.

I am so blessed.  God is so good to me - and your prayers.  I feel them, I really do - it inspires me in a way that I cannot put into words and in way that brings me to tears daily, sometimes many times daily.  There are literally people praying for me around the world, and it is working.  My tumor is shrinking. I know that has everything to do with the prayer and positivity that surrounds me on a daily basis. I am so thankful and so appreciative for everything that has been done for both myself and my family during this time. All the acts, both great and small will live in my heart forever.

Today I was walking with a wonderful friend and fellow teacher during class change. We saw a few other teachers that asked how I was doing.  I gave a bright smile and a convincing, "I'm great."  They were both pleased and said how happy they were.  After the encounter my friend turned to me and said "pants on fire." It made me smile, I had just shared with her the struggles of the past week, my unspeakable fears, and general yucky feelings.  She reminded me that it is ok to admit that this battle with cancer is difficult.  It inspired me to actually publish this post that I have started and stopped so many times this week.

Thank you for reading this, for following me on this journey.  Thank you for allowing me to admit my fears to you. I am forever grateful for your kind thoughts and continued prayers.

#fightlikeamommy

So Much to be Thankful For

Walking this journey puts a new perspective on being thankful, enjoying each day to the fullest, and living.  Really living.  I am learning to take time to enjoy the small things that I once rushed through, to appreciate the things that I once took for granted, and do my best to make beautiful memories that will last a lifetime.

This month I have been able to really focus on making memories.  Daddy and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary on November 5th.  Ten years!  I feel like that is an amazing accomplishment.  I was so happy to have the opportunity to renew our vows, in front of our church family, the two of you, and some of our dearest friends.  Miss Beth gave us the most amazing gift,  She contacted 11 Sixteen Photography and Kelly came out to take some pictures to document the day.  I think they are just beautiful. I am so thankful for having such amazing friends.

Kelly also took these pictures of us a few years ago, look at how much you have both grown!

I am so proud of both of you, and how well you are adapting to mommy being sick.  It is my hope that in just a few months this will all start becoming a memory.  Although I will continue sharing my story with others, and advocating for early detection.  It is my sincerest wish that this time on our lives will be remembered with the love that surrounded us and not the fears that lace our days currently. Your beloved "Little Grandpa" went to join the angels and your great grandmother since my last post.  He lived to be 99 years old.  You both loved him so much.  I am glad that we made the time to have magical memories with him.  I will always be sad that cancer stole from us the ability to say goodbye to him one last time.

We also celebrated your 5th birthday sweet buggy!  Anna and Elsa came to our house to crown you and sing and play games with you and your sweet friends.  It was an afternoon that I know I will never forget that was provided by Princess Parties RVA .

This month we have also received the most amazing news!  I am having what is described as an "excellent response to chemotherapy!"  My tumor is shrinking - a lot, I know without a doubt that this is due to all of your prayers and God's gentle grace in addition to the hard work of my medical team. I cannot thank all of you that are following my journey enough for your prayers and support during this time.   Every text, every message, every wall post, every meal provided, and the unexpected presents make this journey with cancer that much easier.  You all keep me afloat and I am eternally grateful.

Shirts are also in the works, information about that will be available very soon.

.

#fightlikeamommy

#itisstillourfairytale

Surgery

I have a surgery date, this is real.  It is really happening. I think in many ways I am in shock about the whole thing.

My journey with cancer began so quickly and unexpectedly.  One day I was just another mommy enjoying the summer with her babies. The next I was a woman fighting for her life and the privilege to see my beautiful babies grow up, and to hold my husband's hand as he grows old.  There are still moments when I look around and question if this is actually happening to me.  I am reminded of cancer's presence several times a day, every day.  When I look in the mirror is the hardest, the woman I expect to see is not there. She is changed, both physically and mentally.  After January 13th my physical appearance will be changed forever.

I haven't allowed myself much time to dwell on this portion of this journey. David and I agreed that it is easiest to take each portion as it comes, and to try to not think too far ahead.  It is too overwhelming otherwise.

Chemo is scary.  Having four different kinds of poison run through my veins is terrifying in itself.  The surgery is a whole different kind of scary.  Surgery will change my physical appearance forever.  Seeing the before and after pictures at the plastic surgeons office was an experience that I will never forget.  

In the early morning hours of January 13th two amazing surgeons will begin working simultaneously for somewhere between 6 and 8 hours to remove my breasts and the ugly cancer that is inside of them. They will then recreate my breasts using my own tissue.  The end result (when healed) will be remarkable, but it will never physically be the me that I knew again.  I will never look like the me that my mother gave birth to, that my husband fell in love with, or the me that my beautiful babies have known again.  The breasts that I used to nourish Tommy & Elayna during their first year of life will be gone forever, my c-section scar will be erased.  I am slowly becoming a different version of myself.   

Cancer changes everything.

I am thankful to have a surgery date.  I am thankful to be able to begin to put this year and all it has brought with it behind me.  I do not do well with change, and I am apprehensive about this step in my journey to beat breast cancer.  I am confident that I will come through all of this, and that in time it will become a memory. But today it is all very real, and I am scared.

#fightlikeamommy

#itisstillmyfairytale

#imgonnaloveyouthroughit

Ellen had this beautiful little girl on her show.  The link should take you to a video of her singing to her mommy who is fighting stage 4 breast cancer.  I love how she looks at her mommy the whole time she is singing.  Ellen Tube

Thank you for all of your continued prayers and well wishes.  I could not do this without your support and love.

Half Way There

Sweet ones, I am so proud of you.  We are half way through this yucky.  Last weekend was so hard, it was rainy- super duper rainy and we were stuck in the house - and Mommy felt sick.  I think you had just both had enough because for the first time since all this stupid cancer started you asked for everything to just be normal again.  That is my biggest wish babies, that is why I am fighting so hard. I just want everything to be normal again more than you can imagine.

We are just about half way there.  I am halfway through the "yucky" chemo (my regimen is Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin, and Perjeta.  My treatment plan is called neoadjuvant chemotherapy.  I get 6 infusions of the TCHP cocktail in an effort to shrink or eradicate the tumor, then surgery to remove it.  I will then receive 7 and a half months of targeted chemotherapy.  It is a still going to be a long year, but we have come so far. Only 3 more treatments until surgery.

Yikes! Only 3 more treatments until surgery.  I know that the healing from that will be a different kind of uncomfortable than I am dealing with now.  It is my hope that I will feel more like me, but just be ouchy.  Daddy and I met with a wonderful plastic surgeon.  He and my breast surgeon both feel that I would be a good candidate for the DIEP Flap tissue surgery.  There are many benefits to the DIEP flap surgery, but we will continue to way all of the options carefully and make the best choice for all of us.

As long as everything goes as planned and mommy stays healthy my last of the TCHP treatments will be December 2nd.  After that my hair will begin to grow back, and I will start to feel like me again.  I can't wait for that to happen.  Surgery will be either the last week in December, or the first week in January.

There is also so much good news!  The lymph node that I was so worried about has completely gone away:)  and the surgeon confirmed this week that I will not need radiation.  I am so thankful.

Remember that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, continue to spread love and joy everywhere you go.  Know your body, perform self checks, encourage others to do the same.