Binder Free

I haven't spoken much about my binder.  For the first few weeks after my surgery in April I had to wear a nylon binder/girdle contraption 24 hours a day - except when I was showering. It was very itchy and difficult to put on.  It actually caused the hives to come back on a few occasions until I realized that I could put a slip on under it. After the first couple of weeks I was able to step down to a spanx type binder.  This was pretty heavenly, it was still very tight - but much smoother.  The other advantage is that I could put it back on by myself, and didn't have to ask for help each time I got dressed.  The disadvantage is that because of the new binder's shape I had to totally disrobe every time I had to go to the bathroom.

I need you to imagine the significance of this statement for just a moment.  I had to totally disrobe each and every time I had to go to the bathroom for almost two months.  It was a huge embarrassment and inconvenience. I am sure that people wondered why it took two to three times longer each time I had to excuse myself.

I am so thankful to be cleared from using the binder. It is still difficult to pick up items that weigh more than thirty or forty pounds.  From time to time I get strange, phantom pains, or an itchy sensation where by belly button should be.  I am constantly adjusting to my new normal.

Part of my new normal is the reality of what doctors' appointments are like.  I feel as though every medical professional  in the Richmond area has examined my new breasts.

Doctor's visits begin with the wait. I can't get upset about it, there are far too many people suffering from cancer.  I sit in waiting rooms with people who are in various stages of the same struggle that I am experiencing.  Sometimes I start up a conversation with them, other times I am far too timid.  I see the glances of family and care givers trying to figure out my place or purpose in the cancer institute.  It is hard, I have almost perfected the art of chemoflauge.  Sometimes I just want to cry out, "It's just make-up, I hurt too!"  That is the truth, it is my truth.  I hurt often.  Mostly pains from my stomach incision and the muscles surrounding it, sometimes pains from my newly formed breasts, occasionally discomfort from my port.   Sometimes brand new pains that last for a day or two and throw me into a tailspin, terrified that the pain is caused by a new or metastasized cancer.  I smile through it, work through the pain and fear, it is my new normal - I have to adjust.  There is no other option.  I have to remind myself almost daily that I am only 5 months out from major surgery.

When I am called back to be seen by the doctor I am handed an impossibly small blue gown.  As I continue to lose weight it becomes easier to close, however I can always see my bright red scars reflected in the mirrors that surround me. They stand out in stark contrast to my pearly white skin.  I measured, my scars if placed from end to end read would reach from the floor all the way to my new breasts.  The irony is clear.  For me this is the hardest part, being stuck in a room where I am so vulnerably able to inspect my new self.  The woman that cancer created.

Internally, I am very much the same Rebecca. I feel as though my personality shines through, no matter what I am feeling.  This gives me great peace.  Every day I become stronger and am able to do the simple tasks that I used to give little or no thought to.  I am thankful now for every little thing, every day.

It is inspirational for me to hear from people who have followed my story.  It warms my heart to hear how the words that I write here affect them.  Often times these posts are very difficult to write and leave me emotionally exhausted.  I continue to write with the hope that I will both inform and inspire.  More than anything I want to spread the importance of early detection.  I am alive today because I was inspired to perform self exams by a fellow warrior.  I am thankful every day for her guidance, bravery, and willingness to share her story so openly.

There are not words adequate to express my gratitude for all of you who have supported me through this past year.  I am so thankful for all of you.  I cannot begin to tell you how many times that I read and re-read your kind messages and posts.  I keep a bag with every single inspirational note and card that I have been lucky enough to receive.  It is overflowing. I am so blessed by wonderful friends and an amazingly strong support system.

I look at the calendar in disbelief that it has been almost a year since my diagnosis.  There are many different ways that people decide on their "cancerversary." I have decided to claim the day of the epic phone call when my worst fears were confirmed.  That is the day that I became, and will remain a survivor.

Please continue to spread love and light in all things that you do. Find the light in the darkest of situations, it is always there if you open your heart to find it.

I will continue to #fightlikeamommy, after all #itisstillmyfairytale.