a year

A year ago today it was cold and rainy.  It was the kind of cold that doesn't often happen in July and causes you to be chilled to the bone.

Our little family spent the day at the Hanover Tomato Festival where Elayna was competing in the Tiny Miss Tomato Pageant.  She was wearing a beautiful blue gown.  I carried her most of the day due to the torrential rainstorm that passed through after the pageant.  Although we were soaked, we had a good day.  After stopping at a farmer's market on Pole Green Road, we came home and took showers to warm up.

I was so uncomfortable.  My breast and underarm area were so sore.  Elayna and I got in the shower together to warm up.  As she was rinsing off I started rubbing my underarm to ease my discomfort, that is when I felt it - a lump.  I remember my panic, and then my immediate dismissal.  I convinced myself that it was nothing.  I was obviously over reacting.  I got Elayna toweled off and dressed and then I did a full breast exam.  I recall my hands trembling when I realized that the lump was still there.  It was not a figment of my imagination.

I pulled my computer into my lap and began Googling, everything I found said not to worry. I read article after article that said if it you are under 40 it is probably nothing, if you find it yourself it is probably nothing, if it hurts it is probably nothing.  After googling for hours I decided to give it a few days to see if the lump changed at all.  By that point I had poked it so many times that I figured I had probably made whatever it was swell, and it was undeniably sore and red from the prodding.

The next morning I woke up before the kids and scrolled through my Facebook feed.  I again read the story of a lovely young mother who had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. I spent a good part of the morning reading and re-reading her story.

By the middle of the week I was a basket case, alternating between convincing myself that I was fine and realizing that the lump was still there and I had to do something. I remember vividly having David feel it.  He had just come home from work, before he even got all the way through the door I told him that I had felt a lump and was sure it was nothing, but wanted him to check.  We both smiled.  I am a total hypochondriac and worry incessantly.  I think we both anticipated that he wouldn't feel it, or would be able to tell that it was a bug bite, or something- anything but a lump.

I will never ever forget the look on his face when he felt the lump.  It confirmed all the terror that I had built up over the preceding few days. The lump was there, it was real.  With worry in his eyes he told me he thought I needed to call the doctor.

I remember kicking myself for waiting until he got home, I knew the doctor's office would not be open until morning.  I remember being completely terrified, but so relieved that I had finally shared my fear with him.

The next month is going to be filled with milestones, with anniversaries of dates that changed my life forever.  I hope that you will indulge me as I reminisce about the summer of 2015.  The summer that my little girl's beauty pageant saved my life.



#fightlikeamommy