Surgery

I have a surgery date, this is real.  It is really happening. I think in many ways I am in shock about the whole thing.

My journey with cancer began so quickly and unexpectedly.  One day I was just another mommy enjoying the summer with her babies. The next I was a woman fighting for her life and the privilege to see my beautiful babies grow up, and to hold my husband's hand as he grows old.  There are still moments when I look around and question if this is actually happening to me.  I am reminded of cancer's presence several times a day, every day.  When I look in the mirror is the hardest, the woman I expect to see is not there. She is changed, both physically and mentally.  After January 13th my physical appearance will be changed forever.

I haven't allowed myself much time to dwell on this portion of this journey. David and I agreed that it is easiest to take each portion as it comes, and to try to not think too far ahead.  It is too overwhelming otherwise.

Chemo is scary.  Having four different kinds of poison run through my veins is terrifying in itself.  The surgery is a whole different kind of scary.  Surgery will change my physical appearance forever.  Seeing the before and after pictures at the plastic surgeons office was an experience that I will never forget.  

In the early morning hours of January 13th two amazing surgeons will begin working simultaneously for somewhere between 6 and 8 hours to remove my breasts and the ugly cancer that is inside of them. They will then recreate my breasts using my own tissue.  The end result (when healed) will be remarkable, but it will never physically be the me that I knew again.  I will never look like the me that my mother gave birth to, that my husband fell in love with, or the me that my beautiful babies have known again.  The breasts that I used to nourish Tommy & Elayna during their first year of life will be gone forever, my c-section scar will be erased.  I am slowly becoming a different version of myself.   

Cancer changes everything.

I am thankful to have a surgery date.  I am thankful to be able to begin to put this year and all it has brought with it behind me.  I do not do well with change, and I am apprehensive about this step in my journey to beat breast cancer.  I am confident that I will come through all of this, and that in time it will become a memory. But today it is all very real, and I am scared.

#fightlikeamommy

#itisstillmyfairytale

#imgonnaloveyouthroughit

Ellen had this beautiful little girl on her show.  The link should take you to a video of her singing to her mommy who is fighting stage 4 breast cancer.  I love how she looks at her mommy the whole time she is singing.  Ellen Tube

Thank you for all of your continued prayers and well wishes.  I could not do this without your support and love.

Half Way There

Sweet ones, I am so proud of you.  We are half way through this yucky.  Last weekend was so hard, it was rainy- super duper rainy and we were stuck in the house - and Mommy felt sick.  I think you had just both had enough because for the first time since all this stupid cancer started you asked for everything to just be normal again.  That is my biggest wish babies, that is why I am fighting so hard. I just want everything to be normal again more than you can imagine.

We are just about half way there.  I am halfway through the "yucky" chemo (my regimen is Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin, and Perjeta.  My treatment plan is called neoadjuvant chemotherapy.  I get 6 infusions of the TCHP cocktail in an effort to shrink or eradicate the tumor, then surgery to remove it.  I will then receive 7 and a half months of targeted chemotherapy.  It is a still going to be a long year, but we have come so far. Only 3 more treatments until surgery.

Yikes! Only 3 more treatments until surgery.  I know that the healing from that will be a different kind of uncomfortable than I am dealing with now.  It is my hope that I will feel more like me, but just be ouchy.  Daddy and I met with a wonderful plastic surgeon.  He and my breast surgeon both feel that I would be a good candidate for the DIEP Flap tissue surgery.  There are many benefits to the DIEP flap surgery, but we will continue to way all of the options carefully and make the best choice for all of us.

As long as everything goes as planned and mommy stays healthy my last of the TCHP treatments will be December 2nd.  After that my hair will begin to grow back, and I will start to feel like me again.  I can't wait for that to happen.  Surgery will be either the last week in December, or the first week in January.

There is also so much good news!  The lymph node that I was so worried about has completely gone away:)  and the surgeon confirmed this week that I will not need radiation.  I am so thankful.

Remember that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, continue to spread love and joy everywhere you go.  Know your body, perform self checks, encourage others to do the same.