chemoflage

Until a few weeks ago I had no idea what "chemoflage" was.  I was talking to my oncologist about my wig, and how it was starting to become really uncomfortable. She told me that I had been wearing my "chemoflage" very well, for a very long time, and that maybe it was time to give myself a break.

It made me stop and think.  My hair was a huge part of my identity.  I look back at pictures of myself and with the exception of one unfortunate haircut in the 5th grade, my hair has always fallen gracefully down my back.  I loved my hair.  When people tell me how pretty it is going to be when it comes back, how chemo curls are so pretty; I have to be honest that it makes me want to scream.  My hair was pretty perfect before, and although at this point I will be happy with just about anything that sprouts out of my head, I loved my hair.

I have talked before about my "uniform" that I wore when I was teaching.  A pretty dress and heels were my armor when I walked into a classroom or meeting.  They made me feel confident, and comfortable.  When the chemotherapy stole my ability to wear heels on top of taking my hair and  throwing me into menopause causing acne and hot flashes at 36, it affected me in a way I can't even begin to explain.  Not only did I no longer feel like Rebecca, I also no longer looked like her.

So, unknowingly I developed my own chemoflage.  Just like any solider that needs to blend into their environment, I worked hard at figuring out how to look the most like me that I could.  A huge part of my chemoflage was my assortment of wigs.  Currently I have 4 of them, every day since August I have been sure to wear one.  They made life easier, I don't appear sick when I have the wig on.  In fact, in many cases as long as I was wearing the wig most people didn't realize I was sick unless I told them.  This ability to function at work and in the community without looking like someone who is sick was wonderful for me.  I don't want anyone to treat me differently because I have cancer.

It was over Thanksgiving that my skin became too sensitive to tolerate the wig anymore.  My scalp along with my nails became overly sensitive and I knew that it would not be long until I would have to start wearing scarves and hats in public.  I was heartbroken, and scared.

On Black Friday David and I took the kids to Build a Bear.  The kids were so excited, and I was positively giddy to join them in a adventure.  I decided this would be the moment, the time for me to brave the world with a scarf instead of my wig.  I made sure that my makeup was perfect, and I donned the beautiful cancer fighting shirt that was given to me by my sweet friend, Jessica, along with my beautiful scarf from my dearest Beth.  I was prepared.  I was confident.  We were walking through the parking lot of the mall and there was a car filled with teenagers who were shouting very inappropriate lyrics, very loudly out of the car windows.  I shot them my best disapproving mommy look, and they yelled out the window, "She bald!"

My heart sunk, my first thought was the kids. I looked at them, each one of them holding one of my hands.  Both of them seemed unaffected.  Then I looked at David and saw his anger and compassion for me.  In that moment I knew that I could not turn around (even though I wanted to crawl in the car, bawl my eyes out, and have the wig permanently attached to my head until my own hair comes back).  I was so proud of my family for continuing to move forward in spite of everything that has happened to us over the last several months.  I came to a realization - I am bald headed.  I have cancer.  I am fighting every single day for the opportunity to be here.   I am fighting for the privilege of seeing my children grow up, for the honor of standing by my husband's side as we grow old.  I am fighting to be present to hear about of all of the wonderful accomplishments and adventures of my former students.

So, we went to Build a Bear.  The kids both made adorable stuffies, and I kept my head high even without my safety net of the wig.  It was hard.  It takes immense courage to drop the chemoflage.

It took a another week before I was brave enough to go to work without my wig.  I learned a lot about myself.  I also learned that there were many people who truly didn't know I was sick.  It was exceptionally hard to see the look in their eyes.  The hardest was picking my children up from school. Seeing my kid's friends realize that Tommy & Elayna's mommy is sick almost brought me to my knees. It is really, really hard to see the effect of my cancer on other people.

It has been almost two full weeks now since I have worn a wig.  In many ways it is liberating, most of all I am so much more comfortable.  I am also thankful that I will no longer need to wash my hair in a bucket.

I think I will still wear the wig on fancy occasions as needed, but for now (thanks to the help and encouragement of many, many co-workers and my loving husband) I am learning how to wrap and tie scarves.  It is so much harder than you would think.  It is truly a myth (at least for me) that you save time getting ready in the morning due to the lack of hair.  It takes me just as long, and I still use just as much shampoo when I am in the shower.   The shampoo is mainly because believe it or not, from time to time I forget that I no longer have any hair.

I joke that I am now embracing my inner gypsy.  I am having fun exploring new and different looks, and trying to figure out how to match my scarves to my outfits.  I am also preparing for surgery.  It is astounding how quickly it is coming up.  Many of you have asked about what the surgery will entail.  I will be having a double mastectomy with immediate DIEP Flap reconstruction.  The surgery will last between 8 and 12 hours.  I will be in the hospital for 4 days and home from work for 8 weeks while I heal.  This is a link that will give you more detailed information on what the DIEP is if you are interested.  DIEP information

I am forever indebted to all of you for your kindness and generosity.  I knew I was loved, but never imagined just how much.  Thank you all for continuing to hold my family in your prayers.  I have my new chemo cocktail next Wednesday (the day before Christmas Eve).  I am hopeful that it will be as "easy" as they are describing, because I plan to fill this Christmas break with as much magic and as many adventures as I can pack into two weeks.

Hug your babies, smile at strangers, enjoy the season.  Take a moment to appreciate all the little things that make up the magic in your life.

All my love to all of you.

#fightlikeamommy 

Giving Thanks

When my fight with breast cancer began, I had no idea how powerful the journey would be. I could not possibly have anticipated how much it would change both who I am as a person, and my day to day life.

It gives me great peace to know that after tomorrow I will be finished with the first of my three stages of treatment.  There have been bad moments, hard times, tears that come from nowhere, and immeasurable fear, but I am thankful that there have been no bad days.  There is a powerful strength that comes from knowing that I am wrapped in prayer and love daily.  Recently, I received a letter from one of my cousins saying that I am being prayed for weekly during a Mass for Healing at two separate churches, one in France and one in Illinois.  I have another dear friend who is praying for each cell in my body daily, what a truly beautiful sentiment.  Another friend has sent prayer requests for me as far as South America.  So many of you write to me, or call me to tell me that I am in your thoughts and prayers.  I am so thankful for all of you, all of you that hold my family and I in your heart and take a moment out of your lives to think of us - thank you.  Your prayers are working.  My tumor is shrinking, this terrible yucky chemotherapy is doing it's job and soon life will slowly regain it's normalcy.

Last week, one of my childhood friends began a Go Fund Me page to help offset medical bills.  Many of you offered to do this for me, and for a long time I resisted, it is hard to ask for help.  I am moved by the generosity that has been shown to me in less than a week.  Moved is not a strong enough verb - I am touched to my core and in total awe of the generosity that has been shown to my family.  Colleagues, friends, family, people that I do not know that have seen my story, friends of friends, and those who wish to remain anonymous, all of you have made such a difference.  Reading your words of encouragement - seeing what you write about me as you share the posts, it melts my heart.  I knew I was loved, but have never ever known just how loved. Thank you all for that gift, it means more than anything else.

I also have two wonderful friends who set up a meal train, this has been such a wonderful blessing to us.  To come home, especially during the week of chemo, and not have to think about dinner - or going to the grocery store, that is a gift of pure love.  All of you that have provided nourishment for my family during this time please know that the words "thank you" will never be enough to tell you how much your gifts have meant to us.

If you are interested in seeing the beautiful words of inspiration the link is here Go Fund Me, Fight Like a Mommy .  Many of you inquired about purchasing a Fight Like a Mommy T-Shirt.  I set up an account where you can order one if you are interested Fight Like a Mommy Shirts, there is a little over a week left to order one.  These proceeds will also go to medical bills.

Tonight the David, the kids, and I went to the Bethlehem Walk.  It was beautiful, so very beautiful.  We were all moved by the words, and the beauty of re-creating the birth, and death of Christ.  We were so lucky to share the memory together. I am so thankful to have witnessed such amazing beauty with my little family.

I would like to ask of you all again to perform a random act of kindness tomorrow.  Smile at a stranger, hug a friend, call a relative that you haven't talked to in awhile, share a funny story with someone who seems sad.  Find a way spread love and joy in the world however you can.


#fightlikeamommy
#itisstillmyfairytale

The Calendar

It is the week after chemo, and as usual I am feeling down. I was putting away clothes in Elayna's bedroom and noticed that her calendar still reads "August."  It is November, but it makes perfect sense that her calendar stops in August, because that is when time began standing still.

August is when our lives changed forever.  It has always been my least favorite month, now I would just like to erase it all together.  In truth our pool toys still lay outside, mermaids and diving sticks waiting to partake in an endless summer afternoon that never happened.

This journey is more difficult than I ever imagined.  The simple act of being sick is overwhelming, all that comes with it is so unfair.  I am tired of not recognizing myself in the mirror, I am tired of smelling like poison, and tasting metal in my mouth.   This week I vomited so violently that I lost my voice.  I was unaware that was even a possibility. I am simply fed up with being sick, I am totally over it and ready for MY life to resume again.  I know it is a journey, I know that it will be over "soon," but it is tedious, and I am frustrated.

I have to admit that it feels good to be honest about it.  About not feeling great, being scared, and sometimes feeling so small.

I am so blessed.  God is so good to me - and your prayers.  I feel them, I really do - it inspires me in a way that I cannot put into words and in way that brings me to tears daily, sometimes many times daily.  There are literally people praying for me around the world, and it is working.  My tumor is shrinking. I know that has everything to do with the prayer and positivity that surrounds me on a daily basis. I am so thankful and so appreciative for everything that has been done for both myself and my family during this time. All the acts, both great and small will live in my heart forever.

Today I was walking with a wonderful friend and fellow teacher during class change. We saw a few other teachers that asked how I was doing.  I gave a bright smile and a convincing, "I'm great."  They were both pleased and said how happy they were.  After the encounter my friend turned to me and said "pants on fire." It made me smile, I had just shared with her the struggles of the past week, my unspeakable fears, and general yucky feelings.  She reminded me that it is ok to admit that this battle with cancer is difficult.  It inspired me to actually publish this post that I have started and stopped so many times this week.

Thank you for reading this, for following me on this journey.  Thank you for allowing me to admit my fears to you. I am forever grateful for your kind thoughts and continued prayers.

#fightlikeamommy

So Much to be Thankful For

Walking this journey puts a new perspective on being thankful, enjoying each day to the fullest, and living.  Really living.  I am learning to take time to enjoy the small things that I once rushed through, to appreciate the things that I once took for granted, and do my best to make beautiful memories that will last a lifetime.

This month I have been able to really focus on making memories.  Daddy and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary on November 5th.  Ten years!  I feel like that is an amazing accomplishment.  I was so happy to have the opportunity to renew our vows, in front of our church family, the two of you, and some of our dearest friends.  Miss Beth gave us the most amazing gift,  She contacted 11 Sixteen Photography and Kelly came out to take some pictures to document the day.  I think they are just beautiful. I am so thankful for having such amazing friends.

Kelly also took these pictures of us a few years ago, look at how much you have both grown!

I am so proud of both of you, and how well you are adapting to mommy being sick.  It is my hope that in just a few months this will all start becoming a memory.  Although I will continue sharing my story with others, and advocating for early detection.  It is my sincerest wish that this time on our lives will be remembered with the love that surrounded us and not the fears that lace our days currently. Your beloved "Little Grandpa" went to join the angels and your great grandmother since my last post.  He lived to be 99 years old.  You both loved him so much.  I am glad that we made the time to have magical memories with him.  I will always be sad that cancer stole from us the ability to say goodbye to him one last time.

We also celebrated your 5th birthday sweet buggy!  Anna and Elsa came to our house to crown you and sing and play games with you and your sweet friends.  It was an afternoon that I know I will never forget that was provided by Princess Parties RVA .

This month we have also received the most amazing news!  I am having what is described as an "excellent response to chemotherapy!"  My tumor is shrinking - a lot, I know without a doubt that this is due to all of your prayers and God's gentle grace in addition to the hard work of my medical team. I cannot thank all of you that are following my journey enough for your prayers and support during this time.   Every text, every message, every wall post, every meal provided, and the unexpected presents make this journey with cancer that much easier.  You all keep me afloat and I am eternally grateful.

Shirts are also in the works, information about that will be available very soon.

.

#fightlikeamommy

#itisstillourfairytale

Surgery

I have a surgery date, this is real.  It is really happening. I think in many ways I am in shock about the whole thing.

My journey with cancer began so quickly and unexpectedly.  One day I was just another mommy enjoying the summer with her babies. The next I was a woman fighting for her life and the privilege to see my beautiful babies grow up, and to hold my husband's hand as he grows old.  There are still moments when I look around and question if this is actually happening to me.  I am reminded of cancer's presence several times a day, every day.  When I look in the mirror is the hardest, the woman I expect to see is not there. She is changed, both physically and mentally.  After January 13th my physical appearance will be changed forever.

I haven't allowed myself much time to dwell on this portion of this journey. David and I agreed that it is easiest to take each portion as it comes, and to try to not think too far ahead.  It is too overwhelming otherwise.

Chemo is scary.  Having four different kinds of poison run through my veins is terrifying in itself.  The surgery is a whole different kind of scary.  Surgery will change my physical appearance forever.  Seeing the before and after pictures at the plastic surgeons office was an experience that I will never forget.  

In the early morning hours of January 13th two amazing surgeons will begin working simultaneously for somewhere between 6 and 8 hours to remove my breasts and the ugly cancer that is inside of them. They will then recreate my breasts using my own tissue.  The end result (when healed) will be remarkable, but it will never physically be the me that I knew again.  I will never look like the me that my mother gave birth to, that my husband fell in love with, or the me that my beautiful babies have known again.  The breasts that I used to nourish Tommy & Elayna during their first year of life will be gone forever, my c-section scar will be erased.  I am slowly becoming a different version of myself.   

Cancer changes everything.

I am thankful to have a surgery date.  I am thankful to be able to begin to put this year and all it has brought with it behind me.  I do not do well with change, and I am apprehensive about this step in my journey to beat breast cancer.  I am confident that I will come through all of this, and that in time it will become a memory. But today it is all very real, and I am scared.

#fightlikeamommy

#itisstillmyfairytale

#imgonnaloveyouthroughit

Ellen had this beautiful little girl on her show.  The link should take you to a video of her singing to her mommy who is fighting stage 4 breast cancer.  I love how she looks at her mommy the whole time she is singing.  Ellen Tube

Thank you for all of your continued prayers and well wishes.  I could not do this without your support and love.

Half Way There

Sweet ones, I am so proud of you.  We are half way through this yucky.  Last weekend was so hard, it was rainy- super duper rainy and we were stuck in the house - and Mommy felt sick.  I think you had just both had enough because for the first time since all this stupid cancer started you asked for everything to just be normal again.  That is my biggest wish babies, that is why I am fighting so hard. I just want everything to be normal again more than you can imagine.

We are just about half way there.  I am halfway through the "yucky" chemo (my regimen is Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin, and Perjeta.  My treatment plan is called neoadjuvant chemotherapy.  I get 6 infusions of the TCHP cocktail in an effort to shrink or eradicate the tumor, then surgery to remove it.  I will then receive 7 and a half months of targeted chemotherapy.  It is a still going to be a long year, but we have come so far. Only 3 more treatments until surgery.

Yikes! Only 3 more treatments until surgery.  I know that the healing from that will be a different kind of uncomfortable than I am dealing with now.  It is my hope that I will feel more like me, but just be ouchy.  Daddy and I met with a wonderful plastic surgeon.  He and my breast surgeon both feel that I would be a good candidate for the DIEP Flap tissue surgery.  There are many benefits to the DIEP flap surgery, but we will continue to way all of the options carefully and make the best choice for all of us.

As long as everything goes as planned and mommy stays healthy my last of the TCHP treatments will be December 2nd.  After that my hair will begin to grow back, and I will start to feel like me again.  I can't wait for that to happen.  Surgery will be either the last week in December, or the first week in January.

There is also so much good news!  The lymph node that I was so worried about has completely gone away:)  and the surgeon confirmed this week that I will not need radiation.  I am so thankful.

Remember that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, continue to spread love and joy everywhere you go.  Know your body, perform self checks, encourage others to do the same.

Faith, Trust, and a Little Pixie Dust

My sweet loves, sometimes I forget that I started this blog for you. I love that I have this way of sharing your story with you. It is also nice to have a place to record this year of our lives - this year that I hope and pray will be a tiny blip, a distant memory.  I am in awe of how many people have found our story. A little over five thousand people have visited mommy's blog.  What a beautiful way to spread the word of early detection.

This weekend has been a whirlwind.  Mommy caught a little cold, and felt a little lump on the side of her neck so I went to the doctor to have it checked out.  He gave me an antibiotic for my cold, and did an ultra sound of the lump.  It turns out that it is a lymph node, they are calling it "suspicious." For the record, I officially don't like that word. It is the same word the radiologist used when mommy had her first mammogram.  I am lucky that I have an amazing surgeon, I mean really really amazing.  I texted her while I was with the doctor.  She told me not to worry, that it is very likely that the lymph node is swollen because of my runny nose and sore throat.  She is going to fit me in her schedule early next week to get a biopsy and make sure everything is ok.

Elayna, you have a sign in your room that says, "Faith, Trust, and a Little Pixie Dust." I bought it for you when you were just a baby.  I love the notion of it, and I believe that we can get through most of life's obstacles with faith, trust, and a little pixie dust.

Faith

Faith has always been so important to me.  I had the most amazing experience last week.  I have been setting up work sites for the high schools that I support.  One of them that I stopped at is Little Sisters of the Poor.  I adore going there, it reminds me of my grandparents.  I used to love going to church with them every Sunday.  I loved seeing the nuns in church, and being at Little Sisters of the Poor brings all of those memories back.  While I was there I told one of the nuns about my battle with breast cancer, she was so very kind.  She took my hands and prayed with me, and told me the beautiful story of Jeanne Jugan.  Her story is here Story of Jeanne Jugan.  I was touched by her kindness and exquisite story telling.  She asked me to wait for a minute, she had a gift that she wanted to give me.  She came back with the Saint Card of Jeanne Jugan as well as this beautiful statue.  The statue is so calming to me, she made of stone and is solid and heavy.  She makes me feel safe.

Trust

Mommy is so lucky to have an incredible medical team.  They are wise and creative, and they are so supportive.  I have my trust in them and in God that I will see you grow up and grow old.  That I will be there when you go to your first school dance, be with you when you drive your first car, be there to see the joy when you fall in love for the first time.  I have trust in them that I will get to be there when your babies are born, and that I will be there for all of the big and little milestones along the way.  

A Little Pixie Dust

This weekend we watched the new Cinderella.  It was beautiful, I mean really beautiful.  Cinderella's mommy told her to be brave, be kind, and to find the magic.  I love this notion.  We are surrounded by so much love. Tommy I wish you could see how excited you get when you know someone is bringing us dinner. The truth is I am not a very good cook, so you guys have been eating better than you ever have.  

We have been given the most beautiful, thoughtful gifts.  Beautiful fluffy blankets that feel like you are wrapped in a warm hug, gorgeous scarves, earrings, snacks, cards, artwork, and t-shirts.  I am stunned by the thoughtfulness and kindness that surround all of us during this time.

My sweet friend Autumn made me this - it is a little pixie dust to carry around with me.  I love it so much, she is so talented. You should check out her website, her artwork is stunning and creative and I am proud to call her my friend. This link should take you to her webpage-  Autumn Stewart

Have courage, and be kind.  This is still our fairy-tale.

Speechless...

There are not many times in my life that I have been speechless, but this Monday I was so overcome with emotion that I was truly at a loss for words.

Monday we had our first big meeting of the year.  I love them. Incredible people from all over the county gather together to share ideas and updates.  It is a place where real magic happens and I love being a part of it.

When I arrived at the meeting there were already a sea of people there. They all greeted me with big smiles.  Slowly, I noticed the scarves, hats, bandannas, and fun head bands adorning heads all over the room.  These amazing people, whom I have so much respect for did this for me. Professionals that I have known since I was in high school, others that I have known and worked with over the course of my career, and some that I have only recently met all came together and orchestrated this beautiful act of kindness for me.

They let me know without saying a word that they believe in me, that they know my struggle, and that they support me.

I felt the tears, I was so moved.  I don't know how to adequately describe the feeling of that morning. To be so wrapped in love and solidarity touched me in a way that I cannot describe.  I will never be able to say thank you eloquently enough to truly define how much your gesture meant to me.

I can tell you that I will hold that memory in my heart always, and that it will make me brave - even when I am not.

Thank you all for taking my breath away, and rendering me speechless.

The things I didn't know...

Cancer is scary.

I mean - I guess that is a given, right? I guess what I didn't expect is that it is a fear that does not subside.  Every ache or pain I am struck with new worry that the cancer has spread - tiny microscopic monsters that could be floating around my body. Every few months for the rest of my life I will have repeat MRI's and CT scans to check and make sure it hasn't. I am thankful for that, the peace of mind that it will bring.  I know that it will be the waiting for the results that will be the hardest.

My first time walking the the Virginia Cancer Institute my heart broke. There are so many people there every day, all day getting treatment for cancer.  There are also places just like this all over Richmond, all over the state, all over the world - too many people that are suffering from this yuck of cancer.  The very first time that I came I had to walk through a storm of Ambulances and Fire Trucks.  I don't know why they were there, but I do know that the image will never leave my mind.

What strikes me the most is that everyone has a smile on their face, I am sure they all share the same fears that I do. The fears that I do my best to keep at bay, the ones I would never in a million years speak out loud.  In the quiet of the night is the worst.

I have made some truly amazing friends here, and meet new people each time I come in.  We are all on slightly different journeys out to slay the same dragon.

The doctors did tell me lots of  things to expect: fatigue, hair loss - eventually even my eyebrows and eyelashes, bone pain, possible loss of my fingernails and toe nails, bruising easily, easily susceptible to germs.

Lots of warnings - no hugs, no handshakes, no large crowds, no buffets, no pedicures, ect, ect.  In the most basic terms if I wouldn't let a newborn do it, I shouldn't do it either.

It is the hug/handshake that is the hardest for me, especially being back at work, and having the kids back at school.  There are so many of you that I haven't seen in a few months, when I see you the first thing I want to do is wrap you up in a great big hug and tell you that I am ok.  My tummy hurts, I am sometimes tired and a little sore, I am scared, but I am ok.

As I walk into each new school building, or I am out in the community scouting new work sites for my precious students it is instinctive to reach out and shake someones hand.  It is so hard to explain to each new person why I can't.  Retelling my story is like peeling off a band aid each time, and everyone has a different response.

The last round of chemo made me break out in acne - like I was 12.  It was terrible and humiliating. I was totally unprepared for that.  It is because the drugs are forcing my 36 year old body into an early menopause.

I also didn't know how fast my hair would actually fall out.  It is possible that this is different for everyone.  I was told to expect to see hair on my pillow, and in the shower.  My experience was so much different. On Friday I was shedding, a few strands at a time - by Saturday it was falling out in clumps, by Monday I had lost more hair than I still had on my head and we all knew it was time. Tommy said that he couldn't watch.  I think my hair means just as much to him as it does to me.  For as long as I can remember whenever we cuddle on the couch he has taken a strand of my hair to twirl in his sweet little fingers.  Elayna on the other hand was excited to play beauty shop.  I put what was left in a tiny pony tail and she went to work with her little Fiskar safety scissors cutting it off.  Then David did the hard part, he was so brave.  I know it was hard on him to shave my head.  When he was done he kissed it and told me I was beautiful. Seeing myself in the mirror was hard, watching the babies see me was worse.  We are all getting a little more used to it now.  It is still hard in the mornings when they wake up and see me and I am still sick.  They both ask me just about every day if I still have cancer.  This is going to be a long year for all of us.

Wigs are tricky, I think this is mainly because I have never worn anything on my head other than a pony tail or a bun.  I am getting used to it, but it is HOT and ITCHY!  But, it is also pretty glamorous and helps me to feel more like me so I am learning to deal with it.  I learned yesterday that it is adjustable, I made it just a little looser and now it is so much more comfortable.  My aunt and mother in law have made me the most beautiful wraps and caps that I wear at home and one of my colleagues is going to teach me how to expertly wrap a scarf. I looked up some you tube videos to try and teach myself, but true to form I am a Kinesthetic learner and need to see it and feel it, and then practice it.

I did not know, nor was I prepared for how many of you would be touched my my story.  I love getting the texts, messages, letters, emails, phone calls, and wall posts.  It all makes me feel so loved. What I really love is all of you that have gotten mammograms and are doing self checks because of my story.  Early detection is the key, thank you all so much for promoting that.

Messages from former students make my heart swell each time, just seeing your names pop up brings tears to my eyes.  All of your support makes it easier to get through each day.

Thank you all so much for your love and prayers, and support of my family.  Those of you who have provided us with dinner and treats, I will never be able to thank you enough.  It is so nice to not have to worry about preparing dinner, I had no idea just how wonderful that would be.

Remember to hug your babies, smile at strangers- smile at everyone, and live every day to its maximum!  Please continue to spread the word of early detection.

All my love!

Rebecca

Defining Moments

I haven't been mad - really angry until today.

I have been sad, scared out of my mind - sometimes I find myself in complete denial, but I haven't been mad until today.

The past few days have been hard on my body.

The irony is that before all this I felt fine, truly I felt awesome.  I am head over heels in love with my husband, I adore my job, and my children are my everything.  I was even in Onederland (those who struggle with their weight know what I mean).

Then I started chemo, for the first few days it was ok - then not so much.  The discomfort is all part of the process, - I got this, I can do it.

But yesterday my babies saw me sick.  It was hard on them - it was hard on me.

This morning my beautiful little boy woke up crying.  With tears in his eyes he said, "Mommy, I don't want you to have Cancer anymore."

I can promise you this, if Cancer was a person I would have punched her right in her dag-gone face. You can hurt me, but not my babies.

Next time I have a game plan.  My medical team has explained that my body will react similarly to treatment each time.  So now I know that next time days 4-8 after chemo I am going to have so many playdates and diversions planned that the babies will know only the joys of childhood - not the yuck of mommy's chemotherapy.

Thank you all again for your prayers and love, they have meant the world to all of us.  

If you are interested in buying a "Bald Chicks Rock Shirt" there are still a few days left to buy one. 

Bald Chicks Rock https://www.bonfirefunds.com/bald-chicks-rock-shirts

They are a truly wonderful organization that I cannot say enough good things about.  You can read about all of their good work here - http://www.cjstuf.org/ 

Happy 99th Birthday Grandpa!

Yesterday, my truly inspirational Grandpa celebrated his 99th birthday!  Can you imagine?  99 years, all the memories- the history.  He is a legend.

I remember the first time I realized that doors would open for me (both literally and figuratively) if I introduced myself as, "Rebecca, Frank Forney's granddaughter."  His life is an amazing testament. Just look at that smile, he has never ever met a stranger.

The kids and I went to visit him last week, I knew that after my chemotherapy treatment I would not be able to visit him for awhile.

This is a week of firsts for us, we are learning the "new normal."

The trick to chemotherapy is that it attacks the cancer cells - but also attacks my good cells, causing my immune system to take a dive. During this time I have to be vigilant about avoiding crowds, and germs to keep myself healthy.  This means for the next four months or so no impromptu visits to see Grandpa, no museums, no church, no birthday parties, no back to school nights, no fair, no Field Days of the Past, and only super cautious play dates. I have to be honest - this part of the treatment will be the very hardest for me.  It makes my mommy heart hurt to think of missing out on on the "little" things that make childhood magical.

This is all temporary - just a few months, and we will find new ways to make magic.  I have no doubt about that.


I want to thank you again for your incredible outpouring of kindness.  There are truly not words to tell you how much all of your support means to me.  I am so lucky in so many ways.  I have the best support system a girl could ask for.

Please remember to spread the word of early detection, share my blog - share my families story. 

Knowledge is power.  

Chemo Day 1

What a journey this has been, and how very thankful I am for all of your well wishes, sweet texts, phone calls, and emails.  I truly appreciate all of them - truly, every last one.

Chemo started today at about 11- it was supposed to be 9am. They had to mix up all of my drugs and have them ready for me.  I am here with my wonderfully supportive mom, and had the sweetest visit from a childhood friend today, thank you so much for coming by this morning Jennifer!

I even ran into one of my former student's mommies that began her treatment today too.  Words cannot begin to explain how very special that was.

I feel pretty good right now, it sounds like I will start to feel icky Sunday night into Monday.  I have to come back in tomorrow for a booster shot to keep my blood counts up.

Living with this news for the past few weeks has been so hard, we wanted to know exactly what we were dealing with before I shared the news publicly.  We have packed in so many super fun adventures, both to keep my mind off of everything and to maintain as much consistency as possible during this time.

We went to visit my sweet friend MC at her farm/rescue, that was before I had the first appointment that showed that I needed to go in for further testing.  It was the most beautiful day, I am so glad that you were all able to spend it with my sweet friends.  Spending the day surrounded by love, with Autumn and MC (whom I care so deeply for ) was exactly what I needed.

Then we went to an amazing birthday party at Donice's house, that was the weekend after the biopsy. You both had such a good time, and again I was surrounded by love, friendship, and light.  It helped so much to keep my mind off everything.

 

Then came the really big fun!  Mrs. Desiree and Moose invited us down to their new boat house on Lake Gaston. For me, that weekend was a big turning point.  I was surrounded by the people who helped so much in making mommy the lady that she is today.  It was wonderful to be held in their love.  I will be a Blue Devil forever, I loved spending the day with these beautiful women, and their amazing families.  I cannot begin to tell you just how much it means to me to see you both playing with their babies.

For our last act of truly outrageous day of fun we spent last Saturday at Kings Dominion.  We had the most fun, seriously, the most fun.  

You were both big enough to ride "big rides" and you both loved the Woodstock Express and Tommy, I got to be the first person to ride the Rebel Yell with you.  You said it was epic! We spent an inappropriate amount of money on food and pictures.  I threw a mommy sized temper tantrum when we had our "Old Timey Photos" taken.  They didn't have a mirror for me to check myself out in.  Seriously, even school pictures have mirrors for you to check your hair first. When they showed us the first set that they took my eyes filled with tears - they were awful.  I  took one look at the young lady behind the counter and explained to her that she could not possibly understand how important these pictures were to me, to all of us.  This is the last time for a long time that I will look like me - and I needed them to be perfection.  I was very relieved that she took them again, I will post them on Facebook soon. They are still not perfect, but they are pretty good.

I will never be able to express my immense gratitude for those of you that have helped me over the past few weeks, and those who have reached out to me last night and today.  Your words of wisdom and acts of kindness mean more to me than you could possibly imagine.  It is your kindness and support that get me through the quiet times, which are the hardest.

So my words of wisdom for today:

• Keep smiling, smile at everyone - even perfect strangers.  You never know what they may be going through.
• If you are going through this journey, or any journey similar know that the worst part is the unknown.  Ask questions - be a self advocate.  The waiting is undoubtedly the worst part. Do not be afraid to be a pest and to call repeatedly for results.  The worst they can tell you is that they are just not ready yet.
• Love- openly and kindly, with passion.
• Pray.

Mommy Has Cancer

If there was ever a sentence that I never thought I would have to say it is this one:

Mommy has cancer.  

Let me tell you babies, you took the news like champion fighters.  Tommy, I snuggled with you while you watched Star Wars when I told you.  Your sweet brown eyes were afraid for only a moment and then you asked if I was going to be ok.

I am, baby.  I am going to be just fine.  I am going to fight like a mommy and make sure that I am here to see you and your baby sister grow old, and have grand babies of your own.

My sweet Elayna, telling you was a little different.  We were playing in the living room and with lots of love and snuggles I had to explain to you that for a little while mommy is going to be sleepy, maybe a little grumpy, and have to take some yucky medicine that will make me loose my hair but that will get rid of my cancer.

To both of you I had to explain that for now we will have to slow down on all of our adventures.  I won't be able to be around large crowds until chemo is over.

I am so thankful that we waited to tell you until after you finished Vacation Bible School.  Your hearts and minds were so full of your love for Jesus and I truly believed that love lessened the intensity of the news.

So, here is what you know-

Mommy has cancer, in her boobies.  We explained to you that I had to get a super secret spy port to get my yucky medicine that is going to get rid of the cancer.  It is a super secret spy port because right now you guys love Spy Kids, and ideally no one will know the port is there except us (making it a super secret). For now the port is a little achy, but it won't be for long.  I can still hug you and snuggle with you, but for a little bit I can't pick you up.  I will start my chemotherapy tomorrow (8/20/2015), and about a week after that I will start to loose my hair. We read a super cool book called "Nowhere Hair" that helped us laugh through what it will be like when mommy looses her hair.  You both even went wig shopping with me at this amazing little store called the Pink Ribbon.

Here is what all of the grown ups reading this will want to know - 

The weekend of Elayna's last pageant (the Hanover Tomato Festival) was so rainy, I carried her around for the whole day.  If you know us, you know that this is not all together an oddity, I carry Elayna everywhere, she is my baby after all.  So I should not have been sore - but I was.

In the shower that night I was massaging my arm and gave myself a breast exam, that is when I felt it. It felt like a little lump, I was sure that I was imagining it.  I am 36, this does not happen to 36 year olds.  I waited two days and when it was still there I told David.  I could see the concern in his eyes when he said he thought it would be a good idea to call the doctor.

It took about a week to get into the OB's office.  During that time I did lots of Googling - I learned that breast cancer isn't supposed to hurt, and that most of the time when women find "lumps" they don't usually amount to anything.  I went in for my exam armed with that knowledge, confident that the doctor would tell me that it was nothing.

The visit at the OB's office lasted about 3 minutes, my Google myths took just that long to have been dis-proven. The doctor recommended that I go get a mammogram and ultra sound done at the Parades Institute.  They were able to see me the next day.

I arrived at Parades still expecting to hear that everything was ok, I brought a mushy Jodi Picoult book with me and braved the appointment by myself. After my first set of mammogram films I was sent back into the waiting room to wait for my ultrasound.  The tech came back out and said the doctor needed just a few more films.  My heart sank.  Even more so when she pulled the extra piece for the mammogram machine from the wall and said, "this might be a little cold, I don't usually use this one."

All I could think is, this cannot be good.

Shortly after that they began my ultra sound, again it took only a few minutes and the tech went to get the doctor.  When the doctor came in he was so kind, and so honest.  He held my hand and said, "I am so sorry, but I am almost positive that you have cancer."  He began to explain about the "mass" of concern, but all I could think about was my babies, and my husband- and that this could absolutely not be happening.

By that time I had called David and we had been there for about 4 hours digesting the impossible information that we had just been given.

That was a Friday, the next Monday I was scheduled for a biopsy.  For a week after the biopsy I waited, I paced, I prayed.  I checked my phone to be sure it was still working - it was, there were just no results yet.

Then the phone rang, it was lunchtime on  Monday August 3, 2015.  The voice on the other end of the phone was so sweet.  "Mrs. Wood, are you ready?  You know we talked about this, is it still ok for me to tell you over the phone?" I must have whispered yes, because she went on to say, "you have invasive ductal carcinoma, grade 2."

I was so lucky that David was there when we got the phone call, we cried together.  It was good to finally have a name for this monster inside of me.  Immediately we began researching and making plans.  I had an MRI and a CT scan to be sure the cancer hadn't spread - thank God it hasn't.  And then 14 days from the time of my diagnosis I had my port put in and I begin chemotherapy tomorrow.

During the port surgery my amazing surgeon was able to test 5 lymph nodes to see if they had any cancerous cells.  They didn't!  I am blessed beyond measure that we caught this so early, and that I have a wonderful team and support system working with me.

In case you are curious, this is what a port looks like.  The port is the device that I will receive my chemotherapy through.  

Other important things to know - my cancer is estrogen and progesterone negative, but her2 positive. This means that it should be very responsive to chemotherapy.  

I will continue to post updates to keep you all informed.  Let me leave you with these words for tonight -

• Trust your body, if something doesn't feel right go see the doctor. The word miracle has been used more than once to describe me finding this tumor.  The OB and the radiologist both said that they would not have found it during a standard clinical exam when I was laying down. 
• Don't believe everything you read on the internet, I am so glad that I didn't talk myself out of getting checked out.
• Live every single day - really live it.  
• Smile at people, give hugs, love on your babies. 
• Spread kindness and joy in all things that you do.

If you see us out and about, ask Tommy about Star Wars, ask Elayna about fairies and princesses, or her lip gloss- which I am certain she will be wearing.  I do not want them to be afraid, not for one single second.  They are being so strong right now, and they are taking our lead in how they react to new news. 

Please continue to support all of us with your smiles, prayers, and love.  All of the messages mean so much to all of us.