The things I didn't know...

Cancer is scary.

I mean - I guess that is a given, right? I guess what I didn't expect is that it is a fear that does not subside.  Every ache or pain I am struck with new worry that the cancer has spread - tiny microscopic monsters that could be floating around my body. Every few months for the rest of my life I will have repeat MRI's and CT scans to check and make sure it hasn't. I am thankful for that, the peace of mind that it will bring.  I know that it will be the waiting for the results that will be the hardest.

My first time walking the the Virginia Cancer Institute my heart broke. There are so many people there every day, all day getting treatment for cancer.  There are also places just like this all over Richmond, all over the state, all over the world - too many people that are suffering from this yuck of cancer.  The very first time that I came I had to walk through a storm of Ambulances and Fire Trucks.  I don't know why they were there, but I do know that the image will never leave my mind.

What strikes me the most is that everyone has a smile on their face, I am sure they all share the same fears that I do. The fears that I do my best to keep at bay, the ones I would never in a million years speak out loud.  In the quiet of the night is the worst.

I have made some truly amazing friends here, and meet new people each time I come in.  We are all on slightly different journeys out to slay the same dragon.

The doctors did tell me lots of  things to expect: fatigue, hair loss - eventually even my eyebrows and eyelashes, bone pain, possible loss of my fingernails and toe nails, bruising easily, easily susceptible to germs.

Lots of warnings - no hugs, no handshakes, no large crowds, no buffets, no pedicures, ect, ect.  In the most basic terms if I wouldn't let a newborn do it, I shouldn't do it either.

It is the hug/handshake that is the hardest for me, especially being back at work, and having the kids back at school.  There are so many of you that I haven't seen in a few months, when I see you the first thing I want to do is wrap you up in a great big hug and tell you that I am ok.  My tummy hurts, I am sometimes tired and a little sore, I am scared, but I am ok.

As I walk into each new school building, or I am out in the community scouting new work sites for my precious students it is instinctive to reach out and shake someones hand.  It is so hard to explain to each new person why I can't.  Retelling my story is like peeling off a band aid each time, and everyone has a different response.

The last round of chemo made me break out in acne - like I was 12.  It was terrible and humiliating. I was totally unprepared for that.  It is because the drugs are forcing my 36 year old body into an early menopause.

I also didn't know how fast my hair would actually fall out.  It is possible that this is different for everyone.  I was told to expect to see hair on my pillow, and in the shower.  My experience was so much different. On Friday I was shedding, a few strands at a time - by Saturday it was falling out in clumps, by Monday I had lost more hair than I still had on my head and we all knew it was time. Tommy said that he couldn't watch.  I think my hair means just as much to him as it does to me.  For as long as I can remember whenever we cuddle on the couch he has taken a strand of my hair to twirl in his sweet little fingers.  Elayna on the other hand was excited to play beauty shop.  I put what was left in a tiny pony tail and she went to work with her little Fiskar safety scissors cutting it off.  Then David did the hard part, he was so brave.  I know it was hard on him to shave my head.  When he was done he kissed it and told me I was beautiful. Seeing myself in the mirror was hard, watching the babies see me was worse.  We are all getting a little more used to it now.  It is still hard in the mornings when they wake up and see me and I am still sick.  They both ask me just about every day if I still have cancer.  This is going to be a long year for all of us.

Wigs are tricky, I think this is mainly because I have never worn anything on my head other than a pony tail or a bun.  I am getting used to it, but it is HOT and ITCHY!  But, it is also pretty glamorous and helps me to feel more like me so I am learning to deal with it.  I learned yesterday that it is adjustable, I made it just a little looser and now it is so much more comfortable.  My aunt and mother in law have made me the most beautiful wraps and caps that I wear at home and one of my colleagues is going to teach me how to expertly wrap a scarf. I looked up some you tube videos to try and teach myself, but true to form I am a Kinesthetic learner and need to see it and feel it, and then practice it.

I did not know, nor was I prepared for how many of you would be touched my my story.  I love getting the texts, messages, letters, emails, phone calls, and wall posts.  It all makes me feel so loved. What I really love is all of you that have gotten mammograms and are doing self checks because of my story.  Early detection is the key, thank you all so much for promoting that.

Messages from former students make my heart swell each time, just seeing your names pop up brings tears to my eyes.  All of your support makes it easier to get through each day.

Thank you all so much for your love and prayers, and support of my family.  Those of you who have provided us with dinner and treats, I will never be able to thank you enough.  It is so nice to not have to worry about preparing dinner, I had no idea just how wonderful that would be.

Remember to hug your babies, smile at strangers- smile at everyone, and live every day to its maximum!  Please continue to spread the word of early detection.

All my love!

Rebecca