Defining Moments

I haven't been mad - really angry until today.

I have been sad, scared out of my mind - sometimes I find myself in complete denial, but I haven't been mad until today.

The past few days have been hard on my body.

The irony is that before all this I felt fine, truly I felt awesome.  I am head over heels in love with my husband, I adore my job, and my children are my everything.  I was even in Onederland (those who struggle with their weight know what I mean).

Then I started chemo, for the first few days it was ok - then not so much.  The discomfort is all part of the process, - I got this, I can do it.

But yesterday my babies saw me sick.  It was hard on them - it was hard on me.

This morning my beautiful little boy woke up crying.  With tears in his eyes he said, "Mommy, I don't want you to have Cancer anymore."

I can promise you this, if Cancer was a person I would have punched her right in her dag-gone face. You can hurt me, but not my babies.

Next time I have a game plan.  My medical team has explained that my body will react similarly to treatment each time.  So now I know that next time days 4-8 after chemo I am going to have so many playdates and diversions planned that the babies will know only the joys of childhood - not the yuck of mommy's chemotherapy.

Thank you all again for your prayers and love, they have meant the world to all of us.  

If you are interested in buying a "Bald Chicks Rock Shirt" there are still a few days left to buy one. 

Bald Chicks Rock https://www.bonfirefunds.com/bald-chicks-rock-shirts

They are a truly wonderful organization that I cannot say enough good things about.  You can read about all of their good work here - http://www.cjstuf.org/ 

Happy 99th Birthday Grandpa!

Yesterday, my truly inspirational Grandpa celebrated his 99th birthday!  Can you imagine?  99 years, all the memories- the history.  He is a legend.

I remember the first time I realized that doors would open for me (both literally and figuratively) if I introduced myself as, "Rebecca, Frank Forney's granddaughter."  His life is an amazing testament. Just look at that smile, he has never ever met a stranger.

The kids and I went to visit him last week, I knew that after my chemotherapy treatment I would not be able to visit him for awhile.

This is a week of firsts for us, we are learning the "new normal."

The trick to chemotherapy is that it attacks the cancer cells - but also attacks my good cells, causing my immune system to take a dive. During this time I have to be vigilant about avoiding crowds, and germs to keep myself healthy.  This means for the next four months or so no impromptu visits to see Grandpa, no museums, no church, no birthday parties, no back to school nights, no fair, no Field Days of the Past, and only super cautious play dates. I have to be honest - this part of the treatment will be the very hardest for me.  It makes my mommy heart hurt to think of missing out on on the "little" things that make childhood magical.

This is all temporary - just a few months, and we will find new ways to make magic.  I have no doubt about that.


I want to thank you again for your incredible outpouring of kindness.  There are truly not words to tell you how much all of your support means to me.  I am so lucky in so many ways.  I have the best support system a girl could ask for.

Please remember to spread the word of early detection, share my blog - share my families story. 

Knowledge is power.  

Chemo Day 1

What a journey this has been, and how very thankful I am for all of your well wishes, sweet texts, phone calls, and emails.  I truly appreciate all of them - truly, every last one.

Chemo started today at about 11- it was supposed to be 9am. They had to mix up all of my drugs and have them ready for me.  I am here with my wonderfully supportive mom, and had the sweetest visit from a childhood friend today, thank you so much for coming by this morning Jennifer!

I even ran into one of my former student's mommies that began her treatment today too.  Words cannot begin to explain how very special that was.

I feel pretty good right now, it sounds like I will start to feel icky Sunday night into Monday.  I have to come back in tomorrow for a booster shot to keep my blood counts up.

Living with this news for the past few weeks has been so hard, we wanted to know exactly what we were dealing with before I shared the news publicly.  We have packed in so many super fun adventures, both to keep my mind off of everything and to maintain as much consistency as possible during this time.

We went to visit my sweet friend MC at her farm/rescue, that was before I had the first appointment that showed that I needed to go in for further testing.  It was the most beautiful day, I am so glad that you were all able to spend it with my sweet friends.  Spending the day surrounded by love, with Autumn and MC (whom I care so deeply for ) was exactly what I needed.

Then we went to an amazing birthday party at Donice's house, that was the weekend after the biopsy. You both had such a good time, and again I was surrounded by love, friendship, and light.  It helped so much to keep my mind off everything.

 

Then came the really big fun!  Mrs. Desiree and Moose invited us down to their new boat house on Lake Gaston. For me, that weekend was a big turning point.  I was surrounded by the people who helped so much in making mommy the lady that she is today.  It was wonderful to be held in their love.  I will be a Blue Devil forever, I loved spending the day with these beautiful women, and their amazing families.  I cannot begin to tell you just how much it means to me to see you both playing with their babies.

For our last act of truly outrageous day of fun we spent last Saturday at Kings Dominion.  We had the most fun, seriously, the most fun.  

You were both big enough to ride "big rides" and you both loved the Woodstock Express and Tommy, I got to be the first person to ride the Rebel Yell with you.  You said it was epic! We spent an inappropriate amount of money on food and pictures.  I threw a mommy sized temper tantrum when we had our "Old Timey Photos" taken.  They didn't have a mirror for me to check myself out in.  Seriously, even school pictures have mirrors for you to check your hair first. When they showed us the first set that they took my eyes filled with tears - they were awful.  I  took one look at the young lady behind the counter and explained to her that she could not possibly understand how important these pictures were to me, to all of us.  This is the last time for a long time that I will look like me - and I needed them to be perfection.  I was very relieved that she took them again, I will post them on Facebook soon. They are still not perfect, but they are pretty good.

I will never be able to express my immense gratitude for those of you that have helped me over the past few weeks, and those who have reached out to me last night and today.  Your words of wisdom and acts of kindness mean more to me than you could possibly imagine.  It is your kindness and support that get me through the quiet times, which are the hardest.

So my words of wisdom for today:

• Keep smiling, smile at everyone - even perfect strangers.  You never know what they may be going through.
• If you are going through this journey, or any journey similar know that the worst part is the unknown.  Ask questions - be a self advocate.  The waiting is undoubtedly the worst part. Do not be afraid to be a pest and to call repeatedly for results.  The worst they can tell you is that they are just not ready yet.
• Love- openly and kindly, with passion.
• Pray.

Mommy Has Cancer

If there was ever a sentence that I never thought I would have to say it is this one:

Mommy has cancer.  

Let me tell you babies, you took the news like champion fighters.  Tommy, I snuggled with you while you watched Star Wars when I told you.  Your sweet brown eyes were afraid for only a moment and then you asked if I was going to be ok.

I am, baby.  I am going to be just fine.  I am going to fight like a mommy and make sure that I am here to see you and your baby sister grow old, and have grand babies of your own.

My sweet Elayna, telling you was a little different.  We were playing in the living room and with lots of love and snuggles I had to explain to you that for a little while mommy is going to be sleepy, maybe a little grumpy, and have to take some yucky medicine that will make me loose my hair but that will get rid of my cancer.

To both of you I had to explain that for now we will have to slow down on all of our adventures.  I won't be able to be around large crowds until chemo is over.

I am so thankful that we waited to tell you until after you finished Vacation Bible School.  Your hearts and minds were so full of your love for Jesus and I truly believed that love lessened the intensity of the news.

So, here is what you know-

Mommy has cancer, in her boobies.  We explained to you that I had to get a super secret spy port to get my yucky medicine that is going to get rid of the cancer.  It is a super secret spy port because right now you guys love Spy Kids, and ideally no one will know the port is there except us (making it a super secret). For now the port is a little achy, but it won't be for long.  I can still hug you and snuggle with you, but for a little bit I can't pick you up.  I will start my chemotherapy tomorrow (8/20/2015), and about a week after that I will start to loose my hair. We read a super cool book called "Nowhere Hair" that helped us laugh through what it will be like when mommy looses her hair.  You both even went wig shopping with me at this amazing little store called the Pink Ribbon.

Here is what all of the grown ups reading this will want to know - 

The weekend of Elayna's last pageant (the Hanover Tomato Festival) was so rainy, I carried her around for the whole day.  If you know us, you know that this is not all together an oddity, I carry Elayna everywhere, she is my baby after all.  So I should not have been sore - but I was.

In the shower that night I was massaging my arm and gave myself a breast exam, that is when I felt it. It felt like a little lump, I was sure that I was imagining it.  I am 36, this does not happen to 36 year olds.  I waited two days and when it was still there I told David.  I could see the concern in his eyes when he said he thought it would be a good idea to call the doctor.

It took about a week to get into the OB's office.  During that time I did lots of Googling - I learned that breast cancer isn't supposed to hurt, and that most of the time when women find "lumps" they don't usually amount to anything.  I went in for my exam armed with that knowledge, confident that the doctor would tell me that it was nothing.

The visit at the OB's office lasted about 3 minutes, my Google myths took just that long to have been dis-proven. The doctor recommended that I go get a mammogram and ultra sound done at the Parades Institute.  They were able to see me the next day.

I arrived at Parades still expecting to hear that everything was ok, I brought a mushy Jodi Picoult book with me and braved the appointment by myself. After my first set of mammogram films I was sent back into the waiting room to wait for my ultrasound.  The tech came back out and said the doctor needed just a few more films.  My heart sank.  Even more so when she pulled the extra piece for the mammogram machine from the wall and said, "this might be a little cold, I don't usually use this one."

All I could think is, this cannot be good.

Shortly after that they began my ultra sound, again it took only a few minutes and the tech went to get the doctor.  When the doctor came in he was so kind, and so honest.  He held my hand and said, "I am so sorry, but I am almost positive that you have cancer."  He began to explain about the "mass" of concern, but all I could think about was my babies, and my husband- and that this could absolutely not be happening.

By that time I had called David and we had been there for about 4 hours digesting the impossible information that we had just been given.

That was a Friday, the next Monday I was scheduled for a biopsy.  For a week after the biopsy I waited, I paced, I prayed.  I checked my phone to be sure it was still working - it was, there were just no results yet.

Then the phone rang, it was lunchtime on  Monday August 3, 2015.  The voice on the other end of the phone was so sweet.  "Mrs. Wood, are you ready?  You know we talked about this, is it still ok for me to tell you over the phone?" I must have whispered yes, because she went on to say, "you have invasive ductal carcinoma, grade 2."

I was so lucky that David was there when we got the phone call, we cried together.  It was good to finally have a name for this monster inside of me.  Immediately we began researching and making plans.  I had an MRI and a CT scan to be sure the cancer hadn't spread - thank God it hasn't.  And then 14 days from the time of my diagnosis I had my port put in and I begin chemotherapy tomorrow.

During the port surgery my amazing surgeon was able to test 5 lymph nodes to see if they had any cancerous cells.  They didn't!  I am blessed beyond measure that we caught this so early, and that I have a wonderful team and support system working with me.

In case you are curious, this is what a port looks like.  The port is the device that I will receive my chemotherapy through.  

Other important things to know - my cancer is estrogen and progesterone negative, but her2 positive. This means that it should be very responsive to chemotherapy.  

I will continue to post updates to keep you all informed.  Let me leave you with these words for tonight -

• Trust your body, if something doesn't feel right go see the doctor. The word miracle has been used more than once to describe me finding this tumor.  The OB and the radiologist both said that they would not have found it during a standard clinical exam when I was laying down. 
• Don't believe everything you read on the internet, I am so glad that I didn't talk myself out of getting checked out.
• Live every single day - really live it.  
• Smile at people, give hugs, love on your babies. 
• Spread kindness and joy in all things that you do.

If you see us out and about, ask Tommy about Star Wars, ask Elayna about fairies and princesses, or her lip gloss- which I am certain she will be wearing.  I do not want them to be afraid, not for one single second.  They are being so strong right now, and they are taking our lead in how they react to new news. 

Please continue to support all of us with your smiles, prayers, and love.  All of the messages mean so much to all of us.