There is another mommy who began her battle against breast cancer about the same time I finished my chemotherapy treatments. I hope that they give her the same confidence that they gave me. I didn't realize how emotionally attached I was to them, to their presence in our room until I began packing them up. For over a year the top of my dresser has been adorned with an assortment of wigs, scarves, and bandages for all of my wounds. Tonight I packed them away after not having worn them for months. It was sad, and scary, and overwhelmingly liberating. I don't think I every expected this part of the journey to be laced with such uncertainty amidst the joy of normalcy.
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| I couldn't pack them up without playing with them one more time. This one was my favorite, it was the one that the kids picked out that looked the most like me, before. |
I haven't updated in awhile, and there has been sooooo much happening. I have been enjoying every single second of this glorious summer and have not sat down to put it all into words.
We have been going down to the Rivah, otherwise known as the River, every weekend since Labor Day. It has been good for my soul. There is a magic that physically occurs within my body when I turn off of Rt. 17, and know that I am minutes away from paradise. My grandfather built the house that we stay in with his own two hands, I get to prepare meals in the same kitchen that my grandmother did, we enjoy the same yard that my mother and her siblings did when they were young. It is so healing to be there, to see my children enjoying the beauty of the River, and making friends there. It is truly heaven.
In between trips to the River I have had several doctors appointments, and received some pretty incredible news:)
During early August I had terrible pain in my toe, and I have to be honest that I was convinced that it was an infection from the River. I have been diligent in not getting in the water past my toes - and then I got intense pain IN MY TOES. My big toe specifically. I was totally freaked out and went to the podiatrist to have it examined. He quickly diagnosed it as an ingrown toenail and offered to cut it off and use some kind of concoction so it would not grow back. I politely declined and settled on just having it cut down. He explained that with as many times as my nails fell off during treatment I could expect to have more than a few ingrown nails in my future. I also learned that my other toenails that have been growing in so strangely will likely continue that way. They are yucky, I didn't know how good I had it until my whole body began to change with the effects from chemo. I am glad that I now know what it is and how to remedy the pain, and what to expect from my nails.
The next day I had an MRI to make sure that all of the cancer was gone from my breast. I have been begging for this MRI for months and was so excited to have it scheduled that I forgot what actually getting one is like. It is pretty intimidating. I've had so many surgeries that I didn't even know how to answer some of the questions on the questionnaire. It was humbling.
I was quickly whisked away to a room to prep for the MRI. They had to examine my breasts and draw a road map of them. I was again humbled and frustrated, the DIEP surgery that I chose to reconstruct my breasts is not very common so medical professionals typically have tons of questions about the procedure and scars. The nurses and tech were extremely kind. They started my IV and loaded me into the machine. I am a little claustrophobic, and they told me that if I needed to stop to squeeze the ball they gave me, but reminded me that if I stopped - or moved we would need to start again on another day. I can read between the lines pretty well, so I knew what that meant - stay still! They were kind enough to give me a pair of headphones set to easy listening music. I tried to calculate in my head how many songs I had listened to to gauge how long (or how much longer) I would need to stay in the MRI machine. I think it was about thirty minutes into the procedure that I began to feel uncomfortable, and if I am being honest a little afraid. Sitting in the whirring silence for that amount of time gives you lots of time to reflect and ponder the future. About the same time that I felt my mind beginning to spin into some dark places I felt a hand on my shoulder. A sudden and overwhelming peace came over me. I am not sure which of my angels came to visit me in that MRI machine, but I am thankful for another sign from God.
When the test was finally over I was sore. It is not at all comfortable to get loaded into the machine and then lay still for close to an hour. The staff was again extremely kind as they took out my IV. They explained that because the tissue on my breasts in stomach tissue, and no longer breast tissue the results would likely take longer to come back than normal. I smiled, and thanked them. I had fully expected would be the case.
The very next morning around 10am I received the most beautiful news from my breast surgeon. She sent me a text that simply read, "MRI is perfect." There are not words to explain what reading those words feels like. It was joyous and beautiful.
That Friday my best friend, Jessika, came with me to have the spots of necrosis removed from my stomach incision. They had been bothering me for months, and were beginning to protrude awkwardly from my body. My surgeon has explained to me that he would remove them under local anesthesia. This means that for the first time since this journey began I was awake during a surgery. It was so strange. I have very limited feeling from my breasts to my pelvic bone anyway, with the added numbness it was a very awkward feeling. I could hear the cutting, and feel a pulling sensation, but no pain. When he was finished it was actually three spots of necrosis, and not the two that I had thought. He asked it I wanted to see them (uggh, duh - of course I did). I was surprised that they were not at all what my mind had conjured. Necrosis means dead, or deadened. I imagined that they would be black, brown and gross. They weren't at all, instead they were light in color, almost white, and reminded me of tiny, toy brains.
The rest of August has been a whirlwind of beautiful adventures, doctors appointments, and occasional meetings. I am so incredibly lucky to have the love of so many, and to have such a wonderful support system of family and friends. As I get ready to head back to work next week I am sad that our summer is coming to a close, but so desperately excited about what adventures this year will bring.
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| The kids have accompanied me to so many doctors appointments that pretending to work for a doctor has become a part of their everyday play. Here is Elayna at her check in for the cancer doctor. I think she did a great job of decorating. She even made a pen with a flower on the end :) |
Thank you all for your continued love and support. I am so thankful for all of you. Please continue to share the importance of early detection, it saves lives. It saved mine.
#fightlikeamommy
