Faith, Trust, and a Little Pixie Dust

My sweet loves, sometimes I forget that I started this blog for you. I love that I have this way of sharing your story with you. It is also nice to have a place to record this year of our lives - this year that I hope and pray will be a tiny blip, a distant memory.  I am in awe of how many people have found our story. A little over five thousand people have visited mommy's blog.  What a beautiful way to spread the word of early detection.

This weekend has been a whirlwind.  Mommy caught a little cold, and felt a little lump on the side of her neck so I went to the doctor to have it checked out.  He gave me an antibiotic for my cold, and did an ultra sound of the lump.  It turns out that it is a lymph node, they are calling it "suspicious." For the record, I officially don't like that word. It is the same word the radiologist used when mommy had her first mammogram.  I am lucky that I have an amazing surgeon, I mean really really amazing.  I texted her while I was with the doctor.  She told me not to worry, that it is very likely that the lymph node is swollen because of my runny nose and sore throat.  She is going to fit me in her schedule early next week to get a biopsy and make sure everything is ok.

Elayna, you have a sign in your room that says, "Faith, Trust, and a Little Pixie Dust." I bought it for you when you were just a baby.  I love the notion of it, and I believe that we can get through most of life's obstacles with faith, trust, and a little pixie dust.

Faith

Faith has always been so important to me.  I had the most amazing experience last week.  I have been setting up work sites for the high schools that I support.  One of them that I stopped at is Little Sisters of the Poor.  I adore going there, it reminds me of my grandparents.  I used to love going to church with them every Sunday.  I loved seeing the nuns in church, and being at Little Sisters of the Poor brings all of those memories back.  While I was there I told one of the nuns about my battle with breast cancer, she was so very kind.  She took my hands and prayed with me, and told me the beautiful story of Jeanne Jugan.  Her story is here Story of Jeanne Jugan.  I was touched by her kindness and exquisite story telling.  She asked me to wait for a minute, she had a gift that she wanted to give me.  She came back with the Saint Card of Jeanne Jugan as well as this beautiful statue.  The statue is so calming to me, she made of stone and is solid and heavy.  She makes me feel safe.

Trust

Mommy is so lucky to have an incredible medical team.  They are wise and creative, and they are so supportive.  I have my trust in them and in God that I will see you grow up and grow old.  That I will be there when you go to your first school dance, be with you when you drive your first car, be there to see the joy when you fall in love for the first time.  I have trust in them that I will get to be there when your babies are born, and that I will be there for all of the big and little milestones along the way.  

A Little Pixie Dust

This weekend we watched the new Cinderella.  It was beautiful, I mean really beautiful.  Cinderella's mommy told her to be brave, be kind, and to find the magic.  I love this notion.  We are surrounded by so much love. Tommy I wish you could see how excited you get when you know someone is bringing us dinner. The truth is I am not a very good cook, so you guys have been eating better than you ever have.  

We have been given the most beautiful, thoughtful gifts.  Beautiful fluffy blankets that feel like you are wrapped in a warm hug, gorgeous scarves, earrings, snacks, cards, artwork, and t-shirts.  I am stunned by the thoughtfulness and kindness that surround all of us during this time.

My sweet friend Autumn made me this - it is a little pixie dust to carry around with me.  I love it so much, she is so talented. You should check out her website, her artwork is stunning and creative and I am proud to call her my friend. This link should take you to her webpage-  Autumn Stewart

Have courage, and be kind.  This is still our fairy-tale.

Speechless...

There are not many times in my life that I have been speechless, but this Monday I was so overcome with emotion that I was truly at a loss for words.

Monday we had our first big meeting of the year.  I love them. Incredible people from all over the county gather together to share ideas and updates.  It is a place where real magic happens and I love being a part of it.

When I arrived at the meeting there were already a sea of people there. They all greeted me with big smiles.  Slowly, I noticed the scarves, hats, bandannas, and fun head bands adorning heads all over the room.  These amazing people, whom I have so much respect for did this for me. Professionals that I have known since I was in high school, others that I have known and worked with over the course of my career, and some that I have only recently met all came together and orchestrated this beautiful act of kindness for me.

They let me know without saying a word that they believe in me, that they know my struggle, and that they support me.

I felt the tears, I was so moved.  I don't know how to adequately describe the feeling of that morning. To be so wrapped in love and solidarity touched me in a way that I cannot describe.  I will never be able to say thank you eloquently enough to truly define how much your gesture meant to me.

I can tell you that I will hold that memory in my heart always, and that it will make me brave - even when I am not.

Thank you all for taking my breath away, and rendering me speechless.

The things I didn't know...

Cancer is scary.

I mean - I guess that is a given, right? I guess what I didn't expect is that it is a fear that does not subside.  Every ache or pain I am struck with new worry that the cancer has spread - tiny microscopic monsters that could be floating around my body. Every few months for the rest of my life I will have repeat MRI's and CT scans to check and make sure it hasn't. I am thankful for that, the peace of mind that it will bring.  I know that it will be the waiting for the results that will be the hardest.

My first time walking the the Virginia Cancer Institute my heart broke. There are so many people there every day, all day getting treatment for cancer.  There are also places just like this all over Richmond, all over the state, all over the world - too many people that are suffering from this yuck of cancer.  The very first time that I came I had to walk through a storm of Ambulances and Fire Trucks.  I don't know why they were there, but I do know that the image will never leave my mind.

What strikes me the most is that everyone has a smile on their face, I am sure they all share the same fears that I do. The fears that I do my best to keep at bay, the ones I would never in a million years speak out loud.  In the quiet of the night is the worst.

I have made some truly amazing friends here, and meet new people each time I come in.  We are all on slightly different journeys out to slay the same dragon.

The doctors did tell me lots of  things to expect: fatigue, hair loss - eventually even my eyebrows and eyelashes, bone pain, possible loss of my fingernails and toe nails, bruising easily, easily susceptible to germs.

Lots of warnings - no hugs, no handshakes, no large crowds, no buffets, no pedicures, ect, ect.  In the most basic terms if I wouldn't let a newborn do it, I shouldn't do it either.

It is the hug/handshake that is the hardest for me, especially being back at work, and having the kids back at school.  There are so many of you that I haven't seen in a few months, when I see you the first thing I want to do is wrap you up in a great big hug and tell you that I am ok.  My tummy hurts, I am sometimes tired and a little sore, I am scared, but I am ok.

As I walk into each new school building, or I am out in the community scouting new work sites for my precious students it is instinctive to reach out and shake someones hand.  It is so hard to explain to each new person why I can't.  Retelling my story is like peeling off a band aid each time, and everyone has a different response.

The last round of chemo made me break out in acne - like I was 12.  It was terrible and humiliating. I was totally unprepared for that.  It is because the drugs are forcing my 36 year old body into an early menopause.

I also didn't know how fast my hair would actually fall out.  It is possible that this is different for everyone.  I was told to expect to see hair on my pillow, and in the shower.  My experience was so much different. On Friday I was shedding, a few strands at a time - by Saturday it was falling out in clumps, by Monday I had lost more hair than I still had on my head and we all knew it was time. Tommy said that he couldn't watch.  I think my hair means just as much to him as it does to me.  For as long as I can remember whenever we cuddle on the couch he has taken a strand of my hair to twirl in his sweet little fingers.  Elayna on the other hand was excited to play beauty shop.  I put what was left in a tiny pony tail and she went to work with her little Fiskar safety scissors cutting it off.  Then David did the hard part, he was so brave.  I know it was hard on him to shave my head.  When he was done he kissed it and told me I was beautiful. Seeing myself in the mirror was hard, watching the babies see me was worse.  We are all getting a little more used to it now.  It is still hard in the mornings when they wake up and see me and I am still sick.  They both ask me just about every day if I still have cancer.  This is going to be a long year for all of us.

Wigs are tricky, I think this is mainly because I have never worn anything on my head other than a pony tail or a bun.  I am getting used to it, but it is HOT and ITCHY!  But, it is also pretty glamorous and helps me to feel more like me so I am learning to deal with it.  I learned yesterday that it is adjustable, I made it just a little looser and now it is so much more comfortable.  My aunt and mother in law have made me the most beautiful wraps and caps that I wear at home and one of my colleagues is going to teach me how to expertly wrap a scarf. I looked up some you tube videos to try and teach myself, but true to form I am a Kinesthetic learner and need to see it and feel it, and then practice it.

I did not know, nor was I prepared for how many of you would be touched my my story.  I love getting the texts, messages, letters, emails, phone calls, and wall posts.  It all makes me feel so loved. What I really love is all of you that have gotten mammograms and are doing self checks because of my story.  Early detection is the key, thank you all so much for promoting that.

Messages from former students make my heart swell each time, just seeing your names pop up brings tears to my eyes.  All of your support makes it easier to get through each day.

Thank you all so much for your love and prayers, and support of my family.  Those of you who have provided us with dinner and treats, I will never be able to thank you enough.  It is so nice to not have to worry about preparing dinner, I had no idea just how wonderful that would be.

Remember to hug your babies, smile at strangers- smile at everyone, and live every day to its maximum!  Please continue to spread the word of early detection.

All my love!

Rebecca