The Calendar

It is the week after chemo, and as usual I am feeling down. I was putting away clothes in Elayna's bedroom and noticed that her calendar still reads "August."  It is November, but it makes perfect sense that her calendar stops in August, because that is when time began standing still.

August is when our lives changed forever.  It has always been my least favorite month, now I would just like to erase it all together.  In truth our pool toys still lay outside, mermaids and diving sticks waiting to partake in an endless summer afternoon that never happened.

This journey is more difficult than I ever imagined.  The simple act of being sick is overwhelming, all that comes with it is so unfair.  I am tired of not recognizing myself in the mirror, I am tired of smelling like poison, and tasting metal in my mouth.   This week I vomited so violently that I lost my voice.  I was unaware that was even a possibility. I am simply fed up with being sick, I am totally over it and ready for MY life to resume again.  I know it is a journey, I know that it will be over "soon," but it is tedious, and I am frustrated.

I have to admit that it feels good to be honest about it.  About not feeling great, being scared, and sometimes feeling so small.

I am so blessed.  God is so good to me - and your prayers.  I feel them, I really do - it inspires me in a way that I cannot put into words and in way that brings me to tears daily, sometimes many times daily.  There are literally people praying for me around the world, and it is working.  My tumor is shrinking. I know that has everything to do with the prayer and positivity that surrounds me on a daily basis. I am so thankful and so appreciative for everything that has been done for both myself and my family during this time. All the acts, both great and small will live in my heart forever.

Today I was walking with a wonderful friend and fellow teacher during class change. We saw a few other teachers that asked how I was doing.  I gave a bright smile and a convincing, "I'm great."  They were both pleased and said how happy they were.  After the encounter my friend turned to me and said "pants on fire." It made me smile, I had just shared with her the struggles of the past week, my unspeakable fears, and general yucky feelings.  She reminded me that it is ok to admit that this battle with cancer is difficult.  It inspired me to actually publish this post that I have started and stopped so many times this week.

Thank you for reading this, for following me on this journey.  Thank you for allowing me to admit my fears to you. I am forever grateful for your kind thoughts and continued prayers.

#fightlikeamommy

So Much to be Thankful For

Walking this journey puts a new perspective on being thankful, enjoying each day to the fullest, and living.  Really living.  I am learning to take time to enjoy the small things that I once rushed through, to appreciate the things that I once took for granted, and do my best to make beautiful memories that will last a lifetime.

This month I have been able to really focus on making memories.  Daddy and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary on November 5th.  Ten years!  I feel like that is an amazing accomplishment.  I was so happy to have the opportunity to renew our vows, in front of our church family, the two of you, and some of our dearest friends.  Miss Beth gave us the most amazing gift,  She contacted 11 Sixteen Photography and Kelly came out to take some pictures to document the day.  I think they are just beautiful. I am so thankful for having such amazing friends.

Kelly also took these pictures of us a few years ago, look at how much you have both grown!

I am so proud of both of you, and how well you are adapting to mommy being sick.  It is my hope that in just a few months this will all start becoming a memory.  Although I will continue sharing my story with others, and advocating for early detection.  It is my sincerest wish that this time on our lives will be remembered with the love that surrounded us and not the fears that lace our days currently. Your beloved "Little Grandpa" went to join the angels and your great grandmother since my last post.  He lived to be 99 years old.  You both loved him so much.  I am glad that we made the time to have magical memories with him.  I will always be sad that cancer stole from us the ability to say goodbye to him one last time.

We also celebrated your 5th birthday sweet buggy!  Anna and Elsa came to our house to crown you and sing and play games with you and your sweet friends.  It was an afternoon that I know I will never forget that was provided by Princess Parties RVA .

This month we have also received the most amazing news!  I am having what is described as an "excellent response to chemotherapy!"  My tumor is shrinking - a lot, I know without a doubt that this is due to all of your prayers and God's gentle grace in addition to the hard work of my medical team. I cannot thank all of you that are following my journey enough for your prayers and support during this time.   Every text, every message, every wall post, every meal provided, and the unexpected presents make this journey with cancer that much easier.  You all keep me afloat and I am eternally grateful.

Shirts are also in the works, information about that will be available very soon.

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#fightlikeamommy

#itisstillourfairytale