The Calendar

It is the week after chemo, and as usual I am feeling down. I was putting away clothes in Elayna's bedroom and noticed that her calendar still reads "August."  It is November, but it makes perfect sense that her calendar stops in August, because that is when time began standing still.

August is when our lives changed forever.  It has always been my least favorite month, now I would just like to erase it all together.  In truth our pool toys still lay outside, mermaids and diving sticks waiting to partake in an endless summer afternoon that never happened.

This journey is more difficult than I ever imagined.  The simple act of being sick is overwhelming, all that comes with it is so unfair.  I am tired of not recognizing myself in the mirror, I am tired of smelling like poison, and tasting metal in my mouth.   This week I vomited so violently that I lost my voice.  I was unaware that was even a possibility. I am simply fed up with being sick, I am totally over it and ready for MY life to resume again.  I know it is a journey, I know that it will be over "soon," but it is tedious, and I am frustrated.

I have to admit that it feels good to be honest about it.  About not feeling great, being scared, and sometimes feeling so small.

I am so blessed.  God is so good to me - and your prayers.  I feel them, I really do - it inspires me in a way that I cannot put into words and in way that brings me to tears daily, sometimes many times daily.  There are literally people praying for me around the world, and it is working.  My tumor is shrinking. I know that has everything to do with the prayer and positivity that surrounds me on a daily basis. I am so thankful and so appreciative for everything that has been done for both myself and my family during this time. All the acts, both great and small will live in my heart forever.

Today I was walking with a wonderful friend and fellow teacher during class change. We saw a few other teachers that asked how I was doing.  I gave a bright smile and a convincing, "I'm great."  They were both pleased and said how happy they were.  After the encounter my friend turned to me and said "pants on fire." It made me smile, I had just shared with her the struggles of the past week, my unspeakable fears, and general yucky feelings.  She reminded me that it is ok to admit that this battle with cancer is difficult.  It inspired me to actually publish this post that I have started and stopped so many times this week.

Thank you for reading this, for following me on this journey.  Thank you for allowing me to admit my fears to you. I am forever grateful for your kind thoughts and continued prayers.

#fightlikeamommy