The Little Things

Sometimes it is the little things that remind you that everything is going to be ok. Today I had one of those small, super happy breakthroughs.  It is nice to be reminded that every day I am getting a little stronger.

There are so many side effects from the chemo that I haven't talked about.  One of them was that I lost the ability to project my voice.  It is hard to put into words exactly what I mean by that.  It was difficult to raise my voice enough to be heard in another room, sometimes even to be heard on the phone.  For me the most notable difference was that I couldn't sing.  Please do not get me wrong, I am not a good singer by any means, but I do enjoy serenading myself or the children in the car.  We love to sing along to their Kidz Bop or Disney CDs, and I love to belt out a good 80's or 90's tune.  Put on a good country song and you are pretty well guaranteed I am going to sing along.  It has been months since I was able to do it.  Tonight, without even thinking about it I began to sing along to Sheryl Crow.  I wasn't out of breath, it was miraculous. The kids were so excited, they were cheering for me.  I didn't realize that they had noticed my silence in the car so much. We sang all the way home.

After all the recent set backs I needed a reminder that I am getting better, every single day.  Thank you all again for your love and support.  I have received so many kind messages since my update yesterday.

Please continue to spread love and light into the world.  Thank you for all of your continued prayers and happy thoughts.

#itisstillmyfairytale
#fightlikeamommy
#livethedash

I wanted to share these pictures from the Thumbs Up Ball.  They make me smile.  We all had such a good time, if you weren't there you should be next year :)

The Miracles of Modern Medicine

Before breast cancer my medical history was largely uneventful.  When I was a little girl I remember racing with my cousins and brother down a gravel hill at the Rivah and falling, scraping my knee up pretty badly.  I was left with a scar that looked like a huge bird had landed on my knee.  Until I had my C-sections that was my only notable scar.

Recently, I was sharing with a dear friend how self conscious I am about all of my new scars (and the ones that are yet to come).  I love what they said - scars are just tattoos with a story.  I truly have a story to tell now, and I am so thankful to be here to share it.

It is my hope that by sharing this blog I am doing my best to inform, inspire hope, and educate about breast cancer.

In the past few weeks I have had a couple set backs.  

The first was a sudden, and severe outbreak of hives.  They covered me in both large and small painful, itchy welts from my scalp all the way to my hips.  The problem with an allergic reaction of that kind is that there is no real way of figuring out where they came from, just an urgency to get them under control.  The initial hypothesis was that I was allergic to one of the medications I was given during or after surgery.  When the hives came back for the third time in three weeks the hypothesis was changed. The doctors now believe that I either have a latex allergy, or that I was allergic to the adhesive used during surgery.  I am so thankful that for now steroids are keeping the hives at bay (and making me feel a little like Wonder Woman).  I am hopeful that when I am finished with this (the third) dose of steroids that whatever I am allergic to will be gone, and that this is a problem that can be avoided in the future.

The second setback has been so hard for me to deal with and process, I think mainly because at the heart of all of this I am still a girly girl- some may even say that I am a bit of a princess.  

My abdominal incision from the DIEP Flap surgery began coming open last week.  What started as a few small openings, quickly became a much larger, deep wound.  I truly look and feel like a cast member from the Walking Dead.  I have been in constant contact with both of my surgeons, and was presented with a few options for wound care. Yesterday I had the wound debrided and this morning I had a small procedure done that will hopefully expedite the healing process, and get me back to being me sooner. I am still looking at several weeks for the wound to heal, but I am excited about the science behind the healing process and looking forward to wonderful results.  Once this wound is healed I will be able to move on to my next surgery.

These last few months have been the most difficult of my life.  I am thankful every day that it is I who am wrestling this monster, and not one of my loved ones.  Through my cancer journey I have met some truly amazing people, I am so thankful to have them in my life.  I have followed other's stories, I have wept with them in both their victories and setbacks.  "Every day is a bonus," is the mantra of the wonderful people at CJSTUF, I want you all to believe that and live it.  I have also been following Holley Kitchen since my diagnosis, she recently died from breast cancer.  Her motto was to "live the dash," that little line that separates the day you were born from the day that you die. Make every day count.

Friends, be thankful for every day.  Enjoy the little things.  Tell the people you love that you love them, spread peace and positivity into the world.  Be kind in all things that you do.  Continue to share the wisdom of early detection, it saved my life.

#fightlikeamommy

The DIEP side

Tomorrow will mark four weeks from this life changing surgery.  I did so much research, I prepared myself in every way I thought possible.  I was still utterly unprepared for the full impact of surgery. The discomfort was significantly more than I anticipated, and the healing process has been much longer than I was prepared for.  My hospital stay is largely an unpleasant blur.  I am so thankful to my husband and parents for being so present.  I was unable to do very much for myself for the first three weeks so having them there for me was hugely important.  They each took a week off of work to stay with me, it was wonderful to be so well cared for.

I am also eternally grateful for all of the people who have prepared meals for us. There just aren't words to explain how much this has meant to our family.

Through this journey, I have learned that I will never take anything for granted again. When I came home from the hospital I was unable to bend over to kiss my beautiful children goodnight after bedtime prayers.  I also couldn't reach high enough to turn out the lights on their ceiling fans, or reach their cereal in the pantry. This tasks seem so small, so ordinary.  Not being able to do them was devastating.  I still remember the look on Tommy's face when at about the two week mark I could bend over far enough to give him a kiss.  He was elated.  For Elayna it was when I was able to sit on her bed to read her a bedtime story. They have been so incredibly patient with me.  I am the one who is struggling the most with the things that I have to relearn physically.

There are many wonderful things to report.  The wounds on my breasts are healing well.  Aesthetically, when wearing clothes, I look very much like I did before surgery.  My hair and nails are growing again.  I have about an eighth of an inch of hair on my head, in case you are curious that is enough that I actually have to dry it again - with a towel! I am shaving my legs again too.  These things make me very happy.  In other wonderful news, it appears I was only in "chemo-pause" and not menopause.  My stamina is improving every day, and I have been cleared to drive!  That change was very liberating.

I have also had a set back, hopefully a small one.  My stomach incision is opening in a few small places, and there are signs of necrosis.  I went to the plastic surgeon today and he went over the scenarios with me.  Basically, I have to wait two weeks to see what the plan will be.  The waiting will be very hard for me.  I am a "get it done - NOW," kind of girl.  I am having a hard time with the wait and see approach.  I would appreciate all the prayers and kind and healing thoughts you could send my way.  I will need lots of patience to get through this part of the journey.  I know that it is just another bump in the road.

I am so grateful to all of you for following me through this, for loving me through it.  I am thankful for each and every one of you for your prayers and support.  This weekend I am going to celebrate all of my victories by taking the babies and my mom to CJ's Thumbs Up Ball.  We have gone for the past several years, it is a beautiful celebration and all of the proceeds go to a wonderful cause - helping families of children with cancer.  I cannot think of a better way to spend my Saturday evening.  I hope you will consider coming out to support this wonderful cause as well.