My Wish

There are so many things that I would like to say and do before tomorrow, but there just isn't enough time.  It is a strange thing feeling so good again knowing that tomorrow will change all of that, temporarily but drastically.

Know that I love you, and appreciate your love, prayers, and support so much.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. For me the hard part will be tonight, dropping off my babies and coming home to a quiet house.  Tonight and tomorrow morning my struggle will be to pray, hope, and not worry.  It is important to me that all of you do the same.  It makes my heart hurt to think of any of you worrying about me all day.

It is my sincerest wish that my babies get caught up in the excitement of school and become distracted from the different-ness that will come from the next few days and weeks.  If you see them give them a great big hug, or a sweet smile.  Do not cry, they do not know to be afraid of me going into the hospital, or to even be afraid of the cancer that is inside of me.  I want to protect them from that for as long as I can.

I hope that tomorrow my sweet husband will find a distraction.  I hate the thought of him waiting for eight hours to ten hours for news of me being ok.  It makes my heart break.  I hope that he will be able to "Clash," get lost in good conversation, or even just go back to work and find peace in the normalcy of life for the hours that I am in surgery.  He has been my rock through all of this, I wish I could be there to hold his hand tomorrow.  If you have his number send him a funny text, a ridiculous picture to make him smile.   Even if just for a few seconds.

My momma will be inconsolable.  She will be armed with a good book (or three), but if I had to guess she won't actually be able to read any of them until after my surgery is over.  She will  need sweet smiles, and hugs.  She will need to be held.

My daddy will do his best to make everyone else comfortable.  He will probably tell a funny joke, or ask to get you a cup of coffee or a snack.  Let him do those things for you, laugh at his joke, walk with him to find the snack area.  It will make him feel better to make you feel better.

My sweet friends, do your best not to worry about me.  Remember my message from St. Pio, "Pray, hope, don't worry." I have a network of people who will be doing their best to send you updates tomorrow.  When this is over, with God's loving grace, my body will hopefully be cancer free.

It is my wish that tomorrow you put aside all your worries, all your negativity, and that you do something good.  Do something to instill beauty in the world.  Smile, hug the ones that you love, spend your day doing something great.

Please continue to share my story, spread the news of early detection.  When I found my tumor it was the size of a skittle.  Something so small inside of me, doing its best to kill me.  Please perform self checks, know your body, be aware - be proactive.



#fightlikeamommy

Saint Pio

This weekend was hard.  That is possibly an understatement.  Realizing that I had ten days before life altering surgery was stunning.  I felt an immediate need to cram at least a months worth of fun, snuggles, and memories into the next few days.  And then I cried, a lot.  Cancer, the whole of it stinks.  It is grossly unfair, not just to me - but to my friends and family. It is the most unfair to my husband and my babies.

I have to be very honest that I am so afraid of this next part of my journey.  I am quite terrified of walking into an eight to ten hour surgery.  Lets be really honest, I haven't slept for a full 8 hours in at least 8 years without having to get up because someone has a bad dream, or needs a glass of milk, or because sometimes when an almost two hundred pound dog snores it sounds a little like a child asking for mommy.

Just so you know, when you go to check on the child who is sleeping soundly you will absolutely wake up all 4 dogs and the cats (3 of them) and everyone will then need to go potty. In the process you will probably wake up at least one sleeping child.  



When I was at my most anxious over the weekend David held me tight and suggested that I go take a hot shower to relax.  I agreed and went back to our bedroom to take off my jewelry.  I always put my wedding rings in a special spot in my jewelry box, as I took them off to put them away I noticed a metal in the exact spot where my rings should have gone.  Curious, I picked it up.  It was a medal for St. Pio.  On the front was a beautiful engraving of his likeness.  On the back is the inscription, "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry."  I cried, great big tears.  It was the sign I had been waiting for.  Pray, hope, don't worry.  How beautifully simple, and the exact powerful words that I needed to hear.

If that message wasn't strong enough, a few minutes later I was getting the water ready for my shower when I heard a notification from Facebook.  One of my dear friends had posted St. Pio's Saint card to my wall with the same inscription, "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry."  This time I didn't cry, I smiled. I have never received a sign so clearly.  Next week I will be held gently in the palm of His hands as I go through surgery to remove the cancer in my breasts.  I have been at such peace since this weekend.  I am still worried, but peaceful knowing that I will be wrapped in love and prayer and that Jesus will be protecting me through all of it.

Thank you all for your love and support.  Your messages and smiles mean the world to me.  Please keep us in your thoughts in the coming weeks.  Continue to spread the word of early detection. So many doctors have expressed what a miracle it is that I found my tumor.  Had I waited until I was old enough for a mammogram chances are I would be dead.  Please listen to your body, do self checks, go to your annual visits, and get your yearly mammogram.



#fightlikeamommy