This weekend was hard. That is possibly an understatement. Realizing that I had ten days before life altering surgery was stunning. I felt an immediate need to cram at least a months worth of fun, snuggles, and memories into the next few days. And then I cried, a lot. Cancer, the whole of it stinks. It is grossly unfair, not just to me - but to my friends and family. It is the most unfair to my husband and my babies.
I have to be very honest that I am so afraid of this next part of my journey. I am quite terrified of walking into an eight to ten hour surgery. Lets be really honest, I haven't slept for a full 8 hours in at least 8 years without having to get up because someone has a bad dream, or needs a glass of milk, or because sometimes when an almost two hundred pound dog snores it sounds a little like a child asking for mommy.
Just so you know, when you go to check on the child who is sleeping soundly you will absolutely wake up all 4 dogs and the cats (3 of them) and everyone will then need to go potty. In the process you will probably wake up at least one sleeping child.
When I was at my most anxious over the weekend David held me tight and suggested that I go take a hot shower to relax. I agreed and went back to our bedroom to take off my jewelry. I always put my wedding rings in a special spot in my jewelry box, as I took them off to put them away I noticed a metal in the exact spot where my rings should have gone. Curious, I picked it up. It was a medal for St. Pio. On the front was a beautiful engraving of his likeness. On the back is the inscription, "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry." I cried, great big tears. It was the sign I had been waiting for. Pray, hope, don't worry. How beautifully simple, and the exact powerful words that I needed to hear.
If that message wasn't strong enough, a few minutes later I was getting the water ready for my shower when I heard a notification from Facebook. One of my dear friends had posted St. Pio's Saint card to my wall with the same inscription, "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry." This time I didn't cry, I smiled. I have never received a sign so clearly. Next week I will be held gently in the palm of His hands as I go through surgery to remove the cancer in my breasts. I have been at such peace since this weekend. I am still worried, but peaceful knowing that I will be wrapped in love and prayer and that Jesus will be protecting me through all of it.
Thank you all for your love and support. Your messages and smiles mean the world to me. Please keep us in your thoughts in the coming weeks. Continue to spread the word of early detection. So many doctors have expressed what a miracle it is that I found my tumor. Had I waited until I was old enough for a mammogram chances are I would be dead. Please listen to your body, do self checks, go to your annual visits, and get your yearly mammogram.
#fightlikeamommy
No comments:
Post a Comment