Laughing Gas

The past two weeks have been a whirl wind of emotions.   The 13th of January was the four year anniversary of my mastectomy. I rejoiced in that anniversary, however it also caused me reflect.  

I thought about all the friends I have made, and lost along the way.  My sweet friends that are still fighting, every day, just like me. Our unspoken struggles, and zest to live.  I thought about how this journey has impacted my beautiful little family.  There is a roller coaster that we are never quite able to get off of, and that is unspeakably hard.

On the 13th I had what I can only call "cancer on the brain." I am not sure how to describe it other than that.  I was very much in my head, and my emotions.  I was remembering all the tests, surgeries, infusions, tears, conversations, ect.  Then, almost out of nowhere, I recalled my scans and checkups from this summer. 

You may recall that this summer during my OB checkup the doctor located a polyp on my uterine wall.  At the time I really felt it was a "no big deal polyp," a "so many women have these and its really nothing polyp." 

His recommendation at the time was for ablation surgery, to both remove the polyp and permanently remove the lining of my uterus. I researched, and prayed.  I interviewed several women both who had - and who had considered the surgery, but declined it.  

In the end I decided ablation wasn't right for me, for two main reasons - 

1. Once you have the ablation you can no longer detect cancer cells in the uterus. 
2. My body does not react like other people's (I mean I seriously just had a week long allergic reaction to fabulous lash extensions).  

I didn't think about that pesky polyp again until the 13th of this month, and then it seemed that everything went into fast forward.  I called the OB's office and explained that I just wanted to follow up on the polyp. Even as I was saying the words I realized how silly I must have sounded - until just minutes later I had an SIS ultrasound scheduled, and with a surgeon, because my doctor doesn't perform them. 

Never heard of an SIS Ultrasound? Yeah, I hadn't either.  So I researched. Basically they insert a catheter into your cervix to fill it with saline to make any polyps, fibroids, ect. easier to identify and measure.  The reports I read on the internet said that the procedure was "mildly  uncomfortable," this gave me pause to consider - because the commercial for Neulasta (medicine given in conjunction with chemotherapy) reports that it may cause mild discomfort and I knew it made me feel like I had been hit by at least one, if not two tanker trucks.  

So I called the office to be sure I was prepared for exactly what I was going to experience, and to see if I needed a driver.  I was assured that it would not be too uncomfortable, and Tylenol should cover the pain.

Then I had to wait a week.  This is probably the worst part.  Waiting for a scan, or test - that may or may not show cancer. 

Finally the day of the SIS ultrasound arrived, and there I was with a medical staff who knew me only on paper.  

The sweetest technician began talking me through the procedure. 

Here is what that went like -

                explaining, explaining,  explaining, 

                              and then the doctor will come in and take the biopsy.

The WHAT?  Why are we taking a biopsy???  Why didn't anyone prep me for THIS??? 

And then I spiraled.  

I don't know if you have ever had a biopsy taken from your lady parts, but it is PAINFUL.  Every other biopsy I've ever had (mostly from my breasts), I've been sufficiently numbed.  From your uterus - no numbing.  

I remembered how much my biopsy hurt this summer and I stumbled for words.  

I think its important to note here, that I am typically very, very brave.  I research so I can understand what I cannot control.  I pray. I focus on the task at hand and trust that God and the medical professionals will help me through it. In this case we are talking about me being in significant discomfort -by taking a biopsy.  A biopsy which may indicate cancer, and which I had zero opportunity to prepare for. 

Insert so many bad words, they were in my head - not actually spoken aloud.

Thankfully this sweet technician had an idea.  It turns out their office had just been approved to use laughing gas for some procedures.  She asked if I would be interested.

Would I be interested??  I almost giggled, yes - yes indeed.

I would be interested.

This is the first biopsy that I have ever giggled through.  I am extremely thankful for the creativeness of that sweet technician.  The biopsy still hurt, but it wasn't the same pain I remembered from this summer.

Then I had to wait again, three long days.  I prayed, I talked to God, I called upon my prayer warriors.

I waited, not patiently.  

Friday afternoon, on David's birthday, the preliminary results came in - no signs of cancer.

Thank God.  I'm so grateful. There are no words to explain just how grateful I am.  The lingering fear that comes with a cancer diagnosis, the roller coaster that I am on every minute, of every day, its intense.

As a result of all of this, I still have to have the polyp removed, and all of the tissue in my uterus.  This procedure will allow for the tissue to grow back, and hopefully will promote healthy cell growth.  They will also be sending all of my uterine tissue, as well as the dissected polyp for pathology.  

And then, as I heal - we will wait again for pathology results.

The surgery is scheduled for Valentine's Day.  

David and I have to sit down with the kids and explain this all to them - in very broad strokes of course.  We have to tell them that I have to go in for another surgery.  They are older this time and understand so much more.  

Thank you all so much for your beautiful support.  I appreciate all of the prayers, well wishes, and kind thoughts.  They truly mean the world to me.

February is going to be wrought with anxiety and anticipation. Its also going to be a time to celebrate our precious boy's 12th birthday, and Elayna's First Reconciliation.   I am acutely aware that I am blessed every day that I am here, to be a mommy, wife, teacher, and friend.

If you are like me, and intrigued by researching surgeries, here are the particulars.  

Hysteroscopic guided myosure, polypectomy, and D & C

The surgery is outpatient, and it sounds like recovery time will be about 5 days, 

I'm sending you all love and thanks.  Thank you for loving and supporting me through it.

#fightlikeamommy

#itisstillmyfairytale

#always