The Things I Haven't Said

When I was thinking of the title for this post I kept singing "fight song"inside my head.  It is my anthem, as well as the anthem for many people fighting cancer.

So, the things I haven't said.

I have been sacred.  Mind numbingly scared.

There is a lump, in my new breast - on the cancer side.

My mind has been exploding (like a wrecking ball inside my brain).  The lump is about the size of a robin's egg, and it is sometimes painful.  It has been there for several weeks.  I have had it ultra sounded twice just to be sure, and it is not cancer.

not cancer

It is something called fat necrosis that can be removed during my surgery on Friday.  The lump has literally kept me up at night on several occasions.  I am so glad to know that it is nothing, even more glad to know that after Friday it will be gone too.

I am so thankful that it is not cancer.  I know that having cancer return is a fear that will never go away.  Before I returned to work I had to get a baseline ultrasound of my ovaries and uterus.  It was a baseline, no big deal - nothing to worry about.  I went in confident, until the scan started.  The tech was studying the screen, pressing harder at times and typing away.  I was terror stricken.

Why was she typing?  Why was she pressing?  What did she see?  Why wasn't she saying anything?

I finally asked her, and was given the standard response, "I can't share the results with you, the doctor has to review them first."  I've had enough scans recently that I know this is the standard procedure.  It makes my heart sink each time.  I understand, but it doesn't stop the uncertainty.

Minutes afterwards I was sitting with my doctor and he was able to tell me that everything was fine. What an amazing feeling of relief, and how happy I am to have a doctor that cares enough to do preventative testing.

My hives came back after I wore my high heels last week.

I was so ready to be that Rebecca again.  The one with pretty dresses, my own hair, and super cute heels.  I had two out of the three, but my body was clearly not ready for the heels yet.

Each night I get something that is typically referred to as "swelly belly."  It effects my belly, legs, and feet.  My lymphatic system was thrown off by the surgery and my body doesn't regulate fluid like it used to.  This causes me to appear as though I am 4 months pregnant by about 7 every night.  It typically resolves by morning and just makes me feel swollen, awkward, and uncomfortable as the evening progresses. After trying to wear heels my feet stayed swollen for the entire work week, and the hives came back.  I won't be doing that again for awhile.

It does make it hard meeting new people.  In my mind I am this girl -

Sometimes I forget that I am both physically and mentally very different.  Seeing the love, the true love and admiration in my friends eyes when they see me now is heartwarming. I appreciate every compliment, every smile, every kind word so much.

Elayna closely examines my head every day and says, "It's coming back baby!"  It has become her mantra for me.  It makes us both laugh, and it is indeed "coming back baby." It will be a few years before my hair is the length it was. Until then I am going to do my best to rock each style I have to go through until it is long again.

My sweet friend, Lauren, brought me some fun wigs to try out in the interim. How fun are they?!

I am so lucky to have the most amazing friends and family.  I am so thankful that I don't have to go through cancer alone.  

Surgery is three days away.  It is so surreal.  I should be climbing the walls, but I am at peace.  St. Pio is still watching over me, and your prayers and love surround me every day.  The part I was the most afraid of is over.  The lump that had me so scared isn't cancer.  I am so incredibly thankful.

Thank you all again for loving me through it.  Please continue to share the importance of self exams and early detection.  I am so thankful to have found my tumor when I did, I never would have found it had I not been aware of my body.

Continue to spread love and light into the world in all the things that you do.

#fightlikeamommy
#itisstillmyfairytale
#prayhopedonotworry