On turning seven

“Mommy, I will be seven in four days!”

Your words instantly pulled at my heart strings and caused an unexpected flow of emotion. 

Those numbers, seven and four, that is how old you both were when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Those numbers will remain forever ingrained on my heart.  

Seven and four, that is when our little world was knocked off of its axis.  I look back at the pictures before my diagnosis and see an innocence that is not present anymore.  I hate that my sickness took that from you.  I hate the little things that it robbed me of.  When I was diagnosed we were watching Bubble Guppies and Star Wars Cartoons, playing with Little Tykes Toys and Cars, and then suddenly you had outgrown those sweet playthings of childhood.  I look at you both now and see tiny adults, with your own opinions and personalities growing and expanding so quickly. 

Cancer did give us many gifts, but I know that more than anything it left a mark within your spirits that has changed all of us.  It taught us the importance of love, faith, and kindness.  To never take anything for granted, and to appreciate everything.

Seven in four days, wow.  I cannot wait to see you grow into adults, raise children of your own - It is my deepest desire.  

I am so lucky to be here, so lucky to see all of these beautiful milestones.  We had princesses come to your party again this year.  I imagine that by next year you will want something a little more adventurous, maybe Boomerang or skating.  I am so very proud of the beautiful little lady that you are quickly becoming.

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Sometimes I find myself lost in the wonder of survivor hood.  I feel very guilty for not updating as often as I once did. The truth is that I am indulging in living.

It warms my heart to have so many of you reach out to see how I am.  “Every day is different,” is my go to answer. I still have an ache deep within my hips, sometimes it is hard to get up, harder than I would like to admit.  Hard enough that I was given a handicapped placard for my car.  At first I didn't use it, it made me sad to even look at it.  Now I pull it out more often, especially after a long day.

I am elated to know that the pain is not cancer, but instead the after effects of chemo that just make me achy from time to time.  I do my very best not to complain, because I am here – living, breathing, loving.  I have a chance at life anew, and there isn’t a day that goes by that that miracle is not lost on me.

There have been many wonderful occurrences since my last update. 

We are doing to Disney – and we are flying first class.

This is a true miracle, and one that I am breathlessly excited about.  As a family we have never been on vacation, and the kids and I have never flown.  We have never stayed in a hotel, or been farther than a days drive from home (and our animals).  I cannot wait to experience the pure magic that is Disney with my family.  It is going to be amazing.  I still need help booking our fast passes if anyone is interested.

We got a puppy!  His name is Sir Lancelot, and he fits into our family perfectly.

The kids are doing beautifully in school this year.  Elayna won the Kindness award for the second year in a row.  Tommy has maintained perfect grades and is excelling in all of his subjects.  I am so proud to be their mommy.

As a side note, Tommy recently called me mom.  When he realized he had said mom, not mommy it brought tears to both our eyes.  I took him in my arms and told him that even if he is getting older, I would prefer to be “Mommy” for as long as possible. He smiled, and said that he just wanted to hear how it sounded.

I am having surgery again at the end of the month.  This procedure is purely cosmetic.  If you have seen me in the past year or so you know that my port scar is changing.  The best way to describe it is that it looks like a bullet wound, which as I was reminded by a beautiful friend is stunningly accurate. Cancer hit me like a bullet to the chest.

Although that is an awesome conversation starter, I hate it.  I am not sure why it has spread the way it did- almost into my body, but my plastic surgeon is willing to fix it for me.  Since I have met the deductible for the year it won’t cost us anything out of pocket.

This procedure will just bring all of the skin flush, I don’t think it will change the actual appearance of the scar (but I am hopeful).  The other thing is that I will be awake!  I was awake during my port removal – you may remember that my amazing friend Courtney had them play New Kids on the Block for me during the entire procedure.  I wonder if Dr. Stanwicks would be willing to do that for me too? 

I cannot begin to tell you all how much you mean to me.  From time to time I still receive get well cards, and prayer cards.  Sweet texts and private messages, they all mean more to me that you could possibly imagine.  This year I have met many new warriors, too many.  My heart both swells and breaks each time I am introduced to a new survivor.  I am thankful beyond words to know them, to be entrusted with their stories and friendships, but heartbroken that they will need to endure the beast of cancer.

Continue to hold us in your hearts.  Never forget to smile at strangers and hug the ones you love.

#fightlikeamommy

#itisstillmyfairytale