The Little Things

Sometimes it is the little things that remind you that everything is going to be ok. Today I had one of those small, super happy breakthroughs.  It is nice to be reminded that every day I am getting a little stronger.

There are so many side effects from the chemo that I haven't talked about.  One of them was that I lost the ability to project my voice.  It is hard to put into words exactly what I mean by that.  It was difficult to raise my voice enough to be heard in another room, sometimes even to be heard on the phone.  For me the most notable difference was that I couldn't sing.  Please do not get me wrong, I am not a good singer by any means, but I do enjoy serenading myself or the children in the car.  We love to sing along to their Kidz Bop or Disney CDs, and I love to belt out a good 80's or 90's tune.  Put on a good country song and you are pretty well guaranteed I am going to sing along.  It has been months since I was able to do it.  Tonight, without even thinking about it I began to sing along to Sheryl Crow.  I wasn't out of breath, it was miraculous. The kids were so excited, they were cheering for me.  I didn't realize that they had noticed my silence in the car so much. We sang all the way home.

After all the recent set backs I needed a reminder that I am getting better, every single day.  Thank you all again for your love and support.  I have received so many kind messages since my update yesterday.

Please continue to spread love and light into the world.  Thank you for all of your continued prayers and happy thoughts.

#itisstillmyfairytale
#fightlikeamommy
#livethedash

I wanted to share these pictures from the Thumbs Up Ball.  They make me smile.  We all had such a good time, if you weren't there you should be next year :)

The Miracles of Modern Medicine

Before breast cancer my medical history was largely uneventful.  When I was a little girl I remember racing with my cousins and brother down a gravel hill at the Rivah and falling, scraping my knee up pretty badly.  I was left with a scar that looked like a huge bird had landed on my knee.  Until I had my C-sections that was my only notable scar.

Recently, I was sharing with a dear friend how self conscious I am about all of my new scars (and the ones that are yet to come).  I love what they said - scars are just tattoos with a story.  I truly have a story to tell now, and I am so thankful to be here to share it.

It is my hope that by sharing this blog I am doing my best to inform, inspire hope, and educate about breast cancer.

In the past few weeks I have had a couple set backs.  

The first was a sudden, and severe outbreak of hives.  They covered me in both large and small painful, itchy welts from my scalp all the way to my hips.  The problem with an allergic reaction of that kind is that there is no real way of figuring out where they came from, just an urgency to get them under control.  The initial hypothesis was that I was allergic to one of the medications I was given during or after surgery.  When the hives came back for the third time in three weeks the hypothesis was changed. The doctors now believe that I either have a latex allergy, or that I was allergic to the adhesive used during surgery.  I am so thankful that for now steroids are keeping the hives at bay (and making me feel a little like Wonder Woman).  I am hopeful that when I am finished with this (the third) dose of steroids that whatever I am allergic to will be gone, and that this is a problem that can be avoided in the future.

The second setback has been so hard for me to deal with and process, I think mainly because at the heart of all of this I am still a girly girl- some may even say that I am a bit of a princess.  

My abdominal incision from the DIEP Flap surgery began coming open last week.  What started as a few small openings, quickly became a much larger, deep wound.  I truly look and feel like a cast member from the Walking Dead.  I have been in constant contact with both of my surgeons, and was presented with a few options for wound care. Yesterday I had the wound debrided and this morning I had a small procedure done that will hopefully expedite the healing process, and get me back to being me sooner. I am still looking at several weeks for the wound to heal, but I am excited about the science behind the healing process and looking forward to wonderful results.  Once this wound is healed I will be able to move on to my next surgery.

These last few months have been the most difficult of my life.  I am thankful every day that it is I who am wrestling this monster, and not one of my loved ones.  Through my cancer journey I have met some truly amazing people, I am so thankful to have them in my life.  I have followed other's stories, I have wept with them in both their victories and setbacks.  "Every day is a bonus," is the mantra of the wonderful people at CJSTUF, I want you all to believe that and live it.  I have also been following Holley Kitchen since my diagnosis, she recently died from breast cancer.  Her motto was to "live the dash," that little line that separates the day you were born from the day that you die. Make every day count.

Friends, be thankful for every day.  Enjoy the little things.  Tell the people you love that you love them, spread peace and positivity into the world.  Be kind in all things that you do.  Continue to share the wisdom of early detection, it saved my life.

#fightlikeamommy

The DIEP side

Tomorrow will mark four weeks from this life changing surgery.  I did so much research, I prepared myself in every way I thought possible.  I was still utterly unprepared for the full impact of surgery. The discomfort was significantly more than I anticipated, and the healing process has been much longer than I was prepared for.  My hospital stay is largely an unpleasant blur.  I am so thankful to my husband and parents for being so present.  I was unable to do very much for myself for the first three weeks so having them there for me was hugely important.  They each took a week off of work to stay with me, it was wonderful to be so well cared for.

I am also eternally grateful for all of the people who have prepared meals for us. There just aren't words to explain how much this has meant to our family.

Through this journey, I have learned that I will never take anything for granted again. When I came home from the hospital I was unable to bend over to kiss my beautiful children goodnight after bedtime prayers.  I also couldn't reach high enough to turn out the lights on their ceiling fans, or reach their cereal in the pantry. This tasks seem so small, so ordinary.  Not being able to do them was devastating.  I still remember the look on Tommy's face when at about the two week mark I could bend over far enough to give him a kiss.  He was elated.  For Elayna it was when I was able to sit on her bed to read her a bedtime story. They have been so incredibly patient with me.  I am the one who is struggling the most with the things that I have to relearn physically.

There are many wonderful things to report.  The wounds on my breasts are healing well.  Aesthetically, when wearing clothes, I look very much like I did before surgery.  My hair and nails are growing again.  I have about an eighth of an inch of hair on my head, in case you are curious that is enough that I actually have to dry it again - with a towel! I am shaving my legs again too.  These things make me very happy.  In other wonderful news, it appears I was only in "chemo-pause" and not menopause.  My stamina is improving every day, and I have been cleared to drive!  That change was very liberating.

I have also had a set back, hopefully a small one.  My stomach incision is opening in a few small places, and there are signs of necrosis.  I went to the plastic surgeon today and he went over the scenarios with me.  Basically, I have to wait two weeks to see what the plan will be.  The waiting will be very hard for me.  I am a "get it done - NOW," kind of girl.  I am having a hard time with the wait and see approach.  I would appreciate all the prayers and kind and healing thoughts you could send my way.  I will need lots of patience to get through this part of the journey.  I know that it is just another bump in the road.

I am so grateful to all of you for following me through this, for loving me through it.  I am thankful for each and every one of you for your prayers and support.  This weekend I am going to celebrate all of my victories by taking the babies and my mom to CJ's Thumbs Up Ball.  We have gone for the past several years, it is a beautiful celebration and all of the proceeds go to a wonderful cause - helping families of children with cancer.  I cannot think of a better way to spend my Saturday evening.  I hope you will consider coming out to support this wonderful cause as well.

My Wish

There are so many things that I would like to say and do before tomorrow, but there just isn't enough time.  It is a strange thing feeling so good again knowing that tomorrow will change all of that, temporarily but drastically.

Know that I love you, and appreciate your love, prayers, and support so much.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. For me the hard part will be tonight, dropping off my babies and coming home to a quiet house.  Tonight and tomorrow morning my struggle will be to pray, hope, and not worry.  It is important to me that all of you do the same.  It makes my heart hurt to think of any of you worrying about me all day.

It is my sincerest wish that my babies get caught up in the excitement of school and become distracted from the different-ness that will come from the next few days and weeks.  If you see them give them a great big hug, or a sweet smile.  Do not cry, they do not know to be afraid of me going into the hospital, or to even be afraid of the cancer that is inside of me.  I want to protect them from that for as long as I can.

I hope that tomorrow my sweet husband will find a distraction.  I hate the thought of him waiting for eight hours to ten hours for news of me being ok.  It makes my heart break.  I hope that he will be able to "Clash," get lost in good conversation, or even just go back to work and find peace in the normalcy of life for the hours that I am in surgery.  He has been my rock through all of this, I wish I could be there to hold his hand tomorrow.  If you have his number send him a funny text, a ridiculous picture to make him smile.   Even if just for a few seconds.

My momma will be inconsolable.  She will be armed with a good book (or three), but if I had to guess she won't actually be able to read any of them until after my surgery is over.  She will  need sweet smiles, and hugs.  She will need to be held.

My daddy will do his best to make everyone else comfortable.  He will probably tell a funny joke, or ask to get you a cup of coffee or a snack.  Let him do those things for you, laugh at his joke, walk with him to find the snack area.  It will make him feel better to make you feel better.

My sweet friends, do your best not to worry about me.  Remember my message from St. Pio, "Pray, hope, don't worry." I have a network of people who will be doing their best to send you updates tomorrow.  When this is over, with God's loving grace, my body will hopefully be cancer free.

It is my wish that tomorrow you put aside all your worries, all your negativity, and that you do something good.  Do something to instill beauty in the world.  Smile, hug the ones that you love, spend your day doing something great.

Please continue to share my story, spread the news of early detection.  When I found my tumor it was the size of a skittle.  Something so small inside of me, doing its best to kill me.  Please perform self checks, know your body, be aware - be proactive.



#fightlikeamommy

Saint Pio

This weekend was hard.  That is possibly an understatement.  Realizing that I had ten days before life altering surgery was stunning.  I felt an immediate need to cram at least a months worth of fun, snuggles, and memories into the next few days.  And then I cried, a lot.  Cancer, the whole of it stinks.  It is grossly unfair, not just to me - but to my friends and family. It is the most unfair to my husband and my babies.

I have to be very honest that I am so afraid of this next part of my journey.  I am quite terrified of walking into an eight to ten hour surgery.  Lets be really honest, I haven't slept for a full 8 hours in at least 8 years without having to get up because someone has a bad dream, or needs a glass of milk, or because sometimes when an almost two hundred pound dog snores it sounds a little like a child asking for mommy.

Just so you know, when you go to check on the child who is sleeping soundly you will absolutely wake up all 4 dogs and the cats (3 of them) and everyone will then need to go potty. In the process you will probably wake up at least one sleeping child.  



When I was at my most anxious over the weekend David held me tight and suggested that I go take a hot shower to relax.  I agreed and went back to our bedroom to take off my jewelry.  I always put my wedding rings in a special spot in my jewelry box, as I took them off to put them away I noticed a metal in the exact spot where my rings should have gone.  Curious, I picked it up.  It was a medal for St. Pio.  On the front was a beautiful engraving of his likeness.  On the back is the inscription, "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry."  I cried, great big tears.  It was the sign I had been waiting for.  Pray, hope, don't worry.  How beautifully simple, and the exact powerful words that I needed to hear.

If that message wasn't strong enough, a few minutes later I was getting the water ready for my shower when I heard a notification from Facebook.  One of my dear friends had posted St. Pio's Saint card to my wall with the same inscription, "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry."  This time I didn't cry, I smiled. I have never received a sign so clearly.  Next week I will be held gently in the palm of His hands as I go through surgery to remove the cancer in my breasts.  I have been at such peace since this weekend.  I am still worried, but peaceful knowing that I will be wrapped in love and prayer and that Jesus will be protecting me through all of it.

Thank you all for your love and support.  Your messages and smiles mean the world to me.  Please keep us in your thoughts in the coming weeks.  Continue to spread the word of early detection. So many doctors have expressed what a miracle it is that I found my tumor.  Had I waited until I was old enough for a mammogram chances are I would be dead.  Please listen to your body, do self checks, go to your annual visits, and get your yearly mammogram.



#fightlikeamommy

chemoflage

Until a few weeks ago I had no idea what "chemoflage" was.  I was talking to my oncologist about my wig, and how it was starting to become really uncomfortable. She told me that I had been wearing my "chemoflage" very well, for a very long time, and that maybe it was time to give myself a break.

It made me stop and think.  My hair was a huge part of my identity.  I look back at pictures of myself and with the exception of one unfortunate haircut in the 5th grade, my hair has always fallen gracefully down my back.  I loved my hair.  When people tell me how pretty it is going to be when it comes back, how chemo curls are so pretty; I have to be honest that it makes me want to scream.  My hair was pretty perfect before, and although at this point I will be happy with just about anything that sprouts out of my head, I loved my hair.

I have talked before about my "uniform" that I wore when I was teaching.  A pretty dress and heels were my armor when I walked into a classroom or meeting.  They made me feel confident, and comfortable.  When the chemotherapy stole my ability to wear heels on top of taking my hair and  throwing me into menopause causing acne and hot flashes at 36, it affected me in a way I can't even begin to explain.  Not only did I no longer feel like Rebecca, I also no longer looked like her.

So, unknowingly I developed my own chemoflage.  Just like any solider that needs to blend into their environment, I worked hard at figuring out how to look the most like me that I could.  A huge part of my chemoflage was my assortment of wigs.  Currently I have 4 of them, every day since August I have been sure to wear one.  They made life easier, I don't appear sick when I have the wig on.  In fact, in many cases as long as I was wearing the wig most people didn't realize I was sick unless I told them.  This ability to function at work and in the community without looking like someone who is sick was wonderful for me.  I don't want anyone to treat me differently because I have cancer.

It was over Thanksgiving that my skin became too sensitive to tolerate the wig anymore.  My scalp along with my nails became overly sensitive and I knew that it would not be long until I would have to start wearing scarves and hats in public.  I was heartbroken, and scared.

On Black Friday David and I took the kids to Build a Bear.  The kids were so excited, and I was positively giddy to join them in a adventure.  I decided this would be the moment, the time for me to brave the world with a scarf instead of my wig.  I made sure that my makeup was perfect, and I donned the beautiful cancer fighting shirt that was given to me by my sweet friend, Jessica, along with my beautiful scarf from my dearest Beth.  I was prepared.  I was confident.  We were walking through the parking lot of the mall and there was a car filled with teenagers who were shouting very inappropriate lyrics, very loudly out of the car windows.  I shot them my best disapproving mommy look, and they yelled out the window, "She bald!"

My heart sunk, my first thought was the kids. I looked at them, each one of them holding one of my hands.  Both of them seemed unaffected.  Then I looked at David and saw his anger and compassion for me.  In that moment I knew that I could not turn around (even though I wanted to crawl in the car, bawl my eyes out, and have the wig permanently attached to my head until my own hair comes back).  I was so proud of my family for continuing to move forward in spite of everything that has happened to us over the last several months.  I came to a realization - I am bald headed.  I have cancer.  I am fighting every single day for the opportunity to be here.   I am fighting for the privilege of seeing my children grow up, for the honor of standing by my husband's side as we grow old.  I am fighting to be present to hear about of all of the wonderful accomplishments and adventures of my former students.

So, we went to Build a Bear.  The kids both made adorable stuffies, and I kept my head high even without my safety net of the wig.  It was hard.  It takes immense courage to drop the chemoflage.

It took a another week before I was brave enough to go to work without my wig.  I learned a lot about myself.  I also learned that there were many people who truly didn't know I was sick.  It was exceptionally hard to see the look in their eyes.  The hardest was picking my children up from school. Seeing my kid's friends realize that Tommy & Elayna's mommy is sick almost brought me to my knees. It is really, really hard to see the effect of my cancer on other people.

It has been almost two full weeks now since I have worn a wig.  In many ways it is liberating, most of all I am so much more comfortable.  I am also thankful that I will no longer need to wash my hair in a bucket.

I think I will still wear the wig on fancy occasions as needed, but for now (thanks to the help and encouragement of many, many co-workers and my loving husband) I am learning how to wrap and tie scarves.  It is so much harder than you would think.  It is truly a myth (at least for me) that you save time getting ready in the morning due to the lack of hair.  It takes me just as long, and I still use just as much shampoo when I am in the shower.   The shampoo is mainly because believe it or not, from time to time I forget that I no longer have any hair.

I joke that I am now embracing my inner gypsy.  I am having fun exploring new and different looks, and trying to figure out how to match my scarves to my outfits.  I am also preparing for surgery.  It is astounding how quickly it is coming up.  Many of you have asked about what the surgery will entail.  I will be having a double mastectomy with immediate DIEP Flap reconstruction.  The surgery will last between 8 and 12 hours.  I will be in the hospital for 4 days and home from work for 8 weeks while I heal.  This is a link that will give you more detailed information on what the DIEP is if you are interested.  DIEP information

I am forever indebted to all of you for your kindness and generosity.  I knew I was loved, but never imagined just how much.  Thank you all for continuing to hold my family in your prayers.  I have my new chemo cocktail next Wednesday (the day before Christmas Eve).  I am hopeful that it will be as "easy" as they are describing, because I plan to fill this Christmas break with as much magic and as many adventures as I can pack into two weeks.

Hug your babies, smile at strangers, enjoy the season.  Take a moment to appreciate all the little things that make up the magic in your life.

All my love to all of you.

#fightlikeamommy 

Giving Thanks

When my fight with breast cancer began, I had no idea how powerful the journey would be. I could not possibly have anticipated how much it would change both who I am as a person, and my day to day life.

It gives me great peace to know that after tomorrow I will be finished with the first of my three stages of treatment.  There have been bad moments, hard times, tears that come from nowhere, and immeasurable fear, but I am thankful that there have been no bad days.  There is a powerful strength that comes from knowing that I am wrapped in prayer and love daily.  Recently, I received a letter from one of my cousins saying that I am being prayed for weekly during a Mass for Healing at two separate churches, one in France and one in Illinois.  I have another dear friend who is praying for each cell in my body daily, what a truly beautiful sentiment.  Another friend has sent prayer requests for me as far as South America.  So many of you write to me, or call me to tell me that I am in your thoughts and prayers.  I am so thankful for all of you, all of you that hold my family and I in your heart and take a moment out of your lives to think of us - thank you.  Your prayers are working.  My tumor is shrinking, this terrible yucky chemotherapy is doing it's job and soon life will slowly regain it's normalcy.

Last week, one of my childhood friends began a Go Fund Me page to help offset medical bills.  Many of you offered to do this for me, and for a long time I resisted, it is hard to ask for help.  I am moved by the generosity that has been shown to me in less than a week.  Moved is not a strong enough verb - I am touched to my core and in total awe of the generosity that has been shown to my family.  Colleagues, friends, family, people that I do not know that have seen my story, friends of friends, and those who wish to remain anonymous, all of you have made such a difference.  Reading your words of encouragement - seeing what you write about me as you share the posts, it melts my heart.  I knew I was loved, but have never ever known just how loved. Thank you all for that gift, it means more than anything else.

I also have two wonderful friends who set up a meal train, this has been such a wonderful blessing to us.  To come home, especially during the week of chemo, and not have to think about dinner - or going to the grocery store, that is a gift of pure love.  All of you that have provided nourishment for my family during this time please know that the words "thank you" will never be enough to tell you how much your gifts have meant to us.

If you are interested in seeing the beautiful words of inspiration the link is here Go Fund Me, Fight Like a Mommy .  Many of you inquired about purchasing a Fight Like a Mommy T-Shirt.  I set up an account where you can order one if you are interested Fight Like a Mommy Shirts, there is a little over a week left to order one.  These proceeds will also go to medical bills.

Tonight the David, the kids, and I went to the Bethlehem Walk.  It was beautiful, so very beautiful.  We were all moved by the words, and the beauty of re-creating the birth, and death of Christ.  We were so lucky to share the memory together. I am so thankful to have witnessed such amazing beauty with my little family.

I would like to ask of you all again to perform a random act of kindness tomorrow.  Smile at a stranger, hug a friend, call a relative that you haven't talked to in awhile, share a funny story with someone who seems sad.  Find a way spread love and joy in the world however you can.


#fightlikeamommy
#itisstillmyfairytale