Next Steps

In just a few weeks I will have my third surgery related to cancer.  Before all of this the only surgeries I had included having my tonsils and adenoids removed as a child and then two c-sections.

The next surgery is often referred to as "stage 2" in the DIEP world.  Mine will be slightly more extensive because in addition to the stage two procedures the surgeon will also be closing the wounds on my breast and abdomen that opened after the initial DIEP.  Those wounds have been open since January.  I will be so thankful to have them closed.  Surprisingly, this surgery will be outpatient and I will be out of work for less than a week.

Surgery is scheduled for April 15th.

Speaking of work, I am so thankful to be back.  It is awesome to be doing what I love.  The next two weeks are packed with new adventures and information sessions and I am so excited to be a part of all of them

My wonderful co-workers decorated my chair to welcome me back to work.

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My hives have improved greatly!  I am so glad to be able to say that. I have a few random small hives that appear each day, but nothing compared to being covered in itchy, painful hives.

Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers over the next few weeks.  The babies are anxious about me having surgery again.  They are having to see their mommy go through so much.  Cancer has truly changed our lives, our perspectives, and our outlook for the future.  Please keep Tommy, Elayna, and David close to your heart as April 15th approaches.  I do not want them to be anxious or fearful, only full of hope for a bright, beautiful, healthy future.

David and I are anxious about this surgery for several reasons:

1. how extensive "stage 2" is for being outpatient   
2. I did not heal very well after the last surgery, we are concerned about similar complications
3. the hives!  I am so worried this will bring them back

If you would like to have more information on the DIEP please let me know.

The babies and I are having such a wonderful spring break!  I am so thankful for the joy they bring to each other, and to me.  We are doing everything we can to soak up every ounce of this beautiful weather.

Please continue to spread love and light into the world.  Live each day to the fullest, make memories, smile at strangers, give hugs, be happy.

I will continue to #fightlikeamommy.  Recently my mom had a "sports" day at work.  They could all wear their favorite team's jersey or t-shirt.  Momma wore my "fight like a mommy" t-shirt, she said it was her favorite team.  It makes me cry whenever I think about it.  She is pretty awesome.

It is still my fairy tale.

Trauma

It was bound to happen sooner or later.  Everyone has memories that are tied to specific events in their lives.  Places, or songs, maybe even smells that take you back to a significant event.  Some good, some bad, some when you know your life is never ever going to be the same.

Yesterday I went for my annual exam.  No big deal, until they took me to the room.  There are dozens of rooms at the practice, maybe even several dozen rooms.  How I ended up in that one - in the room where my my life changed forever this past summer is still baffling to me.  All things considered I think I handled it pretty well.

I have to admit that for me it was very much like the flashbacks that you see in movies.

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  It was warm, we were having such a magical summer.  Swimming every day and having the best adventures. We had just finished visiting my friend MC's farm.  We were all so happy, everything was simple and perfect.  I took the kids to the doctor with me because I was convinced that I was being ridiculous.  I couldn't possibly have cancer.  Dr. Google had told me if I was under 40 it was probably nothing, if I found it myself it was probably nothing, and if it hurt it was probably nothing.  Clearly according to my instant Google medical degree the lump I was feeling under my arm was probably nothing.

In my mind I could see Tommy sitting crossed legged in the chair in the corner.  He was playing his red DS, Elayna was on the floor playing with a felt doll house.  It was like it had just happened, until I heard the nurse say, "It looks like a lot has changed since your last visit. Let's update your medicines."  I felt my tears before I realized I was crying as I recited all of the new medicines, Herceptin, Pertuzumab, ....

The nurse looked up and began to cry as well, which only made my tears flow faster.  I explained that this is THE ROOM.  The room where my life changed forever.  When what I thought was just a simple appointment that I could take my babies to became the beginning of the fight of my life.

We stopped then and I told her my story, we cried together.  It was cleansing, and hard.

By the time the doctor came in I had myself together again.  I am so thankful each time I see a member of my medical team.  I am so lucky to have so many medical professionals that are looking after me, and that truly care.  He is going to monitor my ovaries and uterus every six months for forever since I am now high risk. He also had some awesome recommendations for all of the side effects from surgery - most notably the hives.  All in all it was a good visit.  I am all about preventative medicine, and am thankful to have a doctor willing to make suggestions and take extra precautions to be sure that if I do develop another cancer that we are on top of it before it spreads.

Now, about those hives.  The final diagnosis is:

Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria

Whoa!  That sounds super scary and scientific, right?  That is the final diagnosis - it means unexplained hives, with no known cause that have lasted for a period longer than six weeks.

So that is the good news. There is finally a name for all of this ridiculousness that has been going on since January.  Even more good news is that it is something that the allergist that I saw earlier this week has seen before.  He explained that my body has been through a trauma.  A significant trauma.  Eight months of chemotherapy partnered with one of the biggest surgeries that you could have and my body just started screaming.  The screaming manifested itself in hives.  The allergist explained that with this kind of reaction I am not actually allergic to anything - however my body is going to act and react as if I am allergic to all sorts of things.  He also explained that the hives could last for three months to a year.

A year???!!!

I am hoping and praying that that will not be the case.  I am on every antihistamine that I have ever heard of twice a day in hopes that they will subside.  This morning when I woke up the hives were covering my face, in addition to my trunk, arms, chest, legs, and hands.  There is no way to describe how hard it is to look in the mirror and see a woman with very little hair, who is super bloated from 6 weeks of steroids, with a huge rash covering her face- and realize that it is you.

The Urticaria is so hard.  It is ugly, and painful - so incredibly painful.  It feels as though I have been stung by 100 wasps all over my body.

I began acupuncture today.  It is too soon to see if it will make a difference, but at this point I am willing to try anything.  Today I also went to see the dentist.  Chemo did a number on my dental health.  There is some indication of bone loss in my teeth, as well as in my jaw line.

All of that being said I am making progress.  My range of motion is excellent, and I am taking nightly walks with the babies around the neighborhood.  My stamina is coming back.  Life is good!  Tommy just started baseball and Elayna is loving the bike that Santa brought her.  Most importantly, I am alive and here to see it all happen.  I am thankful every single day that I am here and able to be a mommy and a wife.

Thank you all again for all of your support and for loving me through it.  It means so much to me.

#itisstillmyfairytale
#fightlikeamommy

The Little Things

Sometimes it is the little things that remind you that everything is going to be ok. Today I had one of those small, super happy breakthroughs.  It is nice to be reminded that every day I am getting a little stronger.

There are so many side effects from the chemo that I haven't talked about.  One of them was that I lost the ability to project my voice.  It is hard to put into words exactly what I mean by that.  It was difficult to raise my voice enough to be heard in another room, sometimes even to be heard on the phone.  For me the most notable difference was that I couldn't sing.  Please do not get me wrong, I am not a good singer by any means, but I do enjoy serenading myself or the children in the car.  We love to sing along to their Kidz Bop or Disney CDs, and I love to belt out a good 80's or 90's tune.  Put on a good country song and you are pretty well guaranteed I am going to sing along.  It has been months since I was able to do it.  Tonight, without even thinking about it I began to sing along to Sheryl Crow.  I wasn't out of breath, it was miraculous. The kids were so excited, they were cheering for me.  I didn't realize that they had noticed my silence in the car so much. We sang all the way home.

After all the recent set backs I needed a reminder that I am getting better, every single day.  Thank you all again for your love and support.  I have received so many kind messages since my update yesterday.

Please continue to spread love and light into the world.  Thank you for all of your continued prayers and happy thoughts.

#itisstillmyfairytale
#fightlikeamommy
#livethedash

I wanted to share these pictures from the Thumbs Up Ball.  They make me smile.  We all had such a good time, if you weren't there you should be next year :)

The Miracles of Modern Medicine

Before breast cancer my medical history was largely uneventful.  When I was a little girl I remember racing with my cousins and brother down a gravel hill at the Rivah and falling, scraping my knee up pretty badly.  I was left with a scar that looked like a huge bird had landed on my knee.  Until I had my C-sections that was my only notable scar.

Recently, I was sharing with a dear friend how self conscious I am about all of my new scars (and the ones that are yet to come).  I love what they said - scars are just tattoos with a story.  I truly have a story to tell now, and I am so thankful to be here to share it.

It is my hope that by sharing this blog I am doing my best to inform, inspire hope, and educate about breast cancer.

In the past few weeks I have had a couple set backs.  

The first was a sudden, and severe outbreak of hives.  They covered me in both large and small painful, itchy welts from my scalp all the way to my hips.  The problem with an allergic reaction of that kind is that there is no real way of figuring out where they came from, just an urgency to get them under control.  The initial hypothesis was that I was allergic to one of the medications I was given during or after surgery.  When the hives came back for the third time in three weeks the hypothesis was changed. The doctors now believe that I either have a latex allergy, or that I was allergic to the adhesive used during surgery.  I am so thankful that for now steroids are keeping the hives at bay (and making me feel a little like Wonder Woman).  I am hopeful that when I am finished with this (the third) dose of steroids that whatever I am allergic to will be gone, and that this is a problem that can be avoided in the future.

The second setback has been so hard for me to deal with and process, I think mainly because at the heart of all of this I am still a girly girl- some may even say that I am a bit of a princess.  

My abdominal incision from the DIEP Flap surgery began coming open last week.  What started as a few small openings, quickly became a much larger, deep wound.  I truly look and feel like a cast member from the Walking Dead.  I have been in constant contact with both of my surgeons, and was presented with a few options for wound care. Yesterday I had the wound debrided and this morning I had a small procedure done that will hopefully expedite the healing process, and get me back to being me sooner. I am still looking at several weeks for the wound to heal, but I am excited about the science behind the healing process and looking forward to wonderful results.  Once this wound is healed I will be able to move on to my next surgery.

These last few months have been the most difficult of my life.  I am thankful every day that it is I who am wrestling this monster, and not one of my loved ones.  Through my cancer journey I have met some truly amazing people, I am so thankful to have them in my life.  I have followed other's stories, I have wept with them in both their victories and setbacks.  "Every day is a bonus," is the mantra of the wonderful people at CJSTUF, I want you all to believe that and live it.  I have also been following Holley Kitchen since my diagnosis, she recently died from breast cancer.  Her motto was to "live the dash," that little line that separates the day you were born from the day that you die. Make every day count.

Friends, be thankful for every day.  Enjoy the little things.  Tell the people you love that you love them, spread peace and positivity into the world.  Be kind in all things that you do.  Continue to share the wisdom of early detection, it saved my life.

#fightlikeamommy

The DIEP side

Tomorrow will mark four weeks from this life changing surgery.  I did so much research, I prepared myself in every way I thought possible.  I was still utterly unprepared for the full impact of surgery. The discomfort was significantly more than I anticipated, and the healing process has been much longer than I was prepared for.  My hospital stay is largely an unpleasant blur.  I am so thankful to my husband and parents for being so present.  I was unable to do very much for myself for the first three weeks so having them there for me was hugely important.  They each took a week off of work to stay with me, it was wonderful to be so well cared for.

I am also eternally grateful for all of the people who have prepared meals for us. There just aren't words to explain how much this has meant to our family.

Through this journey, I have learned that I will never take anything for granted again. When I came home from the hospital I was unable to bend over to kiss my beautiful children goodnight after bedtime prayers.  I also couldn't reach high enough to turn out the lights on their ceiling fans, or reach their cereal in the pantry. This tasks seem so small, so ordinary.  Not being able to do them was devastating.  I still remember the look on Tommy's face when at about the two week mark I could bend over far enough to give him a kiss.  He was elated.  For Elayna it was when I was able to sit on her bed to read her a bedtime story. They have been so incredibly patient with me.  I am the one who is struggling the most with the things that I have to relearn physically.

There are many wonderful things to report.  The wounds on my breasts are healing well.  Aesthetically, when wearing clothes, I look very much like I did before surgery.  My hair and nails are growing again.  I have about an eighth of an inch of hair on my head, in case you are curious that is enough that I actually have to dry it again - with a towel! I am shaving my legs again too.  These things make me very happy.  In other wonderful news, it appears I was only in "chemo-pause" and not menopause.  My stamina is improving every day, and I have been cleared to drive!  That change was very liberating.

I have also had a set back, hopefully a small one.  My stomach incision is opening in a few small places, and there are signs of necrosis.  I went to the plastic surgeon today and he went over the scenarios with me.  Basically, I have to wait two weeks to see what the plan will be.  The waiting will be very hard for me.  I am a "get it done - NOW," kind of girl.  I am having a hard time with the wait and see approach.  I would appreciate all the prayers and kind and healing thoughts you could send my way.  I will need lots of patience to get through this part of the journey.  I know that it is just another bump in the road.

I am so grateful to all of you for following me through this, for loving me through it.  I am thankful for each and every one of you for your prayers and support.  This weekend I am going to celebrate all of my victories by taking the babies and my mom to CJ's Thumbs Up Ball.  We have gone for the past several years, it is a beautiful celebration and all of the proceeds go to a wonderful cause - helping families of children with cancer.  I cannot think of a better way to spend my Saturday evening.  I hope you will consider coming out to support this wonderful cause as well.

My Wish

There are so many things that I would like to say and do before tomorrow, but there just isn't enough time.  It is a strange thing feeling so good again knowing that tomorrow will change all of that, temporarily but drastically.

Know that I love you, and appreciate your love, prayers, and support so much.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. For me the hard part will be tonight, dropping off my babies and coming home to a quiet house.  Tonight and tomorrow morning my struggle will be to pray, hope, and not worry.  It is important to me that all of you do the same.  It makes my heart hurt to think of any of you worrying about me all day.

It is my sincerest wish that my babies get caught up in the excitement of school and become distracted from the different-ness that will come from the next few days and weeks.  If you see them give them a great big hug, or a sweet smile.  Do not cry, they do not know to be afraid of me going into the hospital, or to even be afraid of the cancer that is inside of me.  I want to protect them from that for as long as I can.

I hope that tomorrow my sweet husband will find a distraction.  I hate the thought of him waiting for eight hours to ten hours for news of me being ok.  It makes my heart break.  I hope that he will be able to "Clash," get lost in good conversation, or even just go back to work and find peace in the normalcy of life for the hours that I am in surgery.  He has been my rock through all of this, I wish I could be there to hold his hand tomorrow.  If you have his number send him a funny text, a ridiculous picture to make him smile.   Even if just for a few seconds.

My momma will be inconsolable.  She will be armed with a good book (or three), but if I had to guess she won't actually be able to read any of them until after my surgery is over.  She will  need sweet smiles, and hugs.  She will need to be held.

My daddy will do his best to make everyone else comfortable.  He will probably tell a funny joke, or ask to get you a cup of coffee or a snack.  Let him do those things for you, laugh at his joke, walk with him to find the snack area.  It will make him feel better to make you feel better.

My sweet friends, do your best not to worry about me.  Remember my message from St. Pio, "Pray, hope, don't worry." I have a network of people who will be doing their best to send you updates tomorrow.  When this is over, with God's loving grace, my body will hopefully be cancer free.

It is my wish that tomorrow you put aside all your worries, all your negativity, and that you do something good.  Do something to instill beauty in the world.  Smile, hug the ones that you love, spend your day doing something great.

Please continue to share my story, spread the news of early detection.  When I found my tumor it was the size of a skittle.  Something so small inside of me, doing its best to kill me.  Please perform self checks, know your body, be aware - be proactive.



#fightlikeamommy

Saint Pio

This weekend was hard.  That is possibly an understatement.  Realizing that I had ten days before life altering surgery was stunning.  I felt an immediate need to cram at least a months worth of fun, snuggles, and memories into the next few days.  And then I cried, a lot.  Cancer, the whole of it stinks.  It is grossly unfair, not just to me - but to my friends and family. It is the most unfair to my husband and my babies.

I have to be very honest that I am so afraid of this next part of my journey.  I am quite terrified of walking into an eight to ten hour surgery.  Lets be really honest, I haven't slept for a full 8 hours in at least 8 years without having to get up because someone has a bad dream, or needs a glass of milk, or because sometimes when an almost two hundred pound dog snores it sounds a little like a child asking for mommy.

Just so you know, when you go to check on the child who is sleeping soundly you will absolutely wake up all 4 dogs and the cats (3 of them) and everyone will then need to go potty. In the process you will probably wake up at least one sleeping child.  



When I was at my most anxious over the weekend David held me tight and suggested that I go take a hot shower to relax.  I agreed and went back to our bedroom to take off my jewelry.  I always put my wedding rings in a special spot in my jewelry box, as I took them off to put them away I noticed a metal in the exact spot where my rings should have gone.  Curious, I picked it up.  It was a medal for St. Pio.  On the front was a beautiful engraving of his likeness.  On the back is the inscription, "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry."  I cried, great big tears.  It was the sign I had been waiting for.  Pray, hope, don't worry.  How beautifully simple, and the exact powerful words that I needed to hear.

If that message wasn't strong enough, a few minutes later I was getting the water ready for my shower when I heard a notification from Facebook.  One of my dear friends had posted St. Pio's Saint card to my wall with the same inscription, "Pray, Hope, Don't Worry."  This time I didn't cry, I smiled. I have never received a sign so clearly.  Next week I will be held gently in the palm of His hands as I go through surgery to remove the cancer in my breasts.  I have been at such peace since this weekend.  I am still worried, but peaceful knowing that I will be wrapped in love and prayer and that Jesus will be protecting me through all of it.

Thank you all for your love and support.  Your messages and smiles mean the world to me.  Please keep us in your thoughts in the coming weeks.  Continue to spread the word of early detection. So many doctors have expressed what a miracle it is that I found my tumor.  Had I waited until I was old enough for a mammogram chances are I would be dead.  Please listen to your body, do self checks, go to your annual visits, and get your yearly mammogram.



#fightlikeamommy