The Calendar

It is the week after chemo, and as usual I am feeling down. I was putting away clothes in Elayna's bedroom and noticed that her calendar still reads "August."  It is November, but it makes perfect sense that her calendar stops in August, because that is when time began standing still.

August is when our lives changed forever.  It has always been my least favorite month, now I would just like to erase it all together.  In truth our pool toys still lay outside, mermaids and diving sticks waiting to partake in an endless summer afternoon that never happened.

This journey is more difficult than I ever imagined.  The simple act of being sick is overwhelming, all that comes with it is so unfair.  I am tired of not recognizing myself in the mirror, I am tired of smelling like poison, and tasting metal in my mouth.   This week I vomited so violently that I lost my voice.  I was unaware that was even a possibility. I am simply fed up with being sick, I am totally over it and ready for MY life to resume again.  I know it is a journey, I know that it will be over "soon," but it is tedious, and I am frustrated.

I have to admit that it feels good to be honest about it.  About not feeling great, being scared, and sometimes feeling so small.

I am so blessed.  God is so good to me - and your prayers.  I feel them, I really do - it inspires me in a way that I cannot put into words and in way that brings me to tears daily, sometimes many times daily.  There are literally people praying for me around the world, and it is working.  My tumor is shrinking. I know that has everything to do with the prayer and positivity that surrounds me on a daily basis. I am so thankful and so appreciative for everything that has been done for both myself and my family during this time. All the acts, both great and small will live in my heart forever.

Today I was walking with a wonderful friend and fellow teacher during class change. We saw a few other teachers that asked how I was doing.  I gave a bright smile and a convincing, "I'm great."  They were both pleased and said how happy they were.  After the encounter my friend turned to me and said "pants on fire." It made me smile, I had just shared with her the struggles of the past week, my unspeakable fears, and general yucky feelings.  She reminded me that it is ok to admit that this battle with cancer is difficult.  It inspired me to actually publish this post that I have started and stopped so many times this week.

Thank you for reading this, for following me on this journey.  Thank you for allowing me to admit my fears to you. I am forever grateful for your kind thoughts and continued prayers.

#fightlikeamommy

So Much to be Thankful For

Walking this journey puts a new perspective on being thankful, enjoying each day to the fullest, and living.  Really living.  I am learning to take time to enjoy the small things that I once rushed through, to appreciate the things that I once took for granted, and do my best to make beautiful memories that will last a lifetime.

This month I have been able to really focus on making memories.  Daddy and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary on November 5th.  Ten years!  I feel like that is an amazing accomplishment.  I was so happy to have the opportunity to renew our vows, in front of our church family, the two of you, and some of our dearest friends.  Miss Beth gave us the most amazing gift,  She contacted 11 Sixteen Photography and Kelly came out to take some pictures to document the day.  I think they are just beautiful. I am so thankful for having such amazing friends.

Kelly also took these pictures of us a few years ago, look at how much you have both grown!

I am so proud of both of you, and how well you are adapting to mommy being sick.  It is my hope that in just a few months this will all start becoming a memory.  Although I will continue sharing my story with others, and advocating for early detection.  It is my sincerest wish that this time on our lives will be remembered with the love that surrounded us and not the fears that lace our days currently. Your beloved "Little Grandpa" went to join the angels and your great grandmother since my last post.  He lived to be 99 years old.  You both loved him so much.  I am glad that we made the time to have magical memories with him.  I will always be sad that cancer stole from us the ability to say goodbye to him one last time.

We also celebrated your 5th birthday sweet buggy!  Anna and Elsa came to our house to crown you and sing and play games with you and your sweet friends.  It was an afternoon that I know I will never forget that was provided by Princess Parties RVA .

This month we have also received the most amazing news!  I am having what is described as an "excellent response to chemotherapy!"  My tumor is shrinking - a lot, I know without a doubt that this is due to all of your prayers and God's gentle grace in addition to the hard work of my medical team. I cannot thank all of you that are following my journey enough for your prayers and support during this time.   Every text, every message, every wall post, every meal provided, and the unexpected presents make this journey with cancer that much easier.  You all keep me afloat and I am eternally grateful.

Shirts are also in the works, information about that will be available very soon.

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#fightlikeamommy

#itisstillourfairytale

Surgery

I have a surgery date, this is real.  It is really happening. I think in many ways I am in shock about the whole thing.

My journey with cancer began so quickly and unexpectedly.  One day I was just another mommy enjoying the summer with her babies. The next I was a woman fighting for her life and the privilege to see my beautiful babies grow up, and to hold my husband's hand as he grows old.  There are still moments when I look around and question if this is actually happening to me.  I am reminded of cancer's presence several times a day, every day.  When I look in the mirror is the hardest, the woman I expect to see is not there. She is changed, both physically and mentally.  After January 13th my physical appearance will be changed forever.

I haven't allowed myself much time to dwell on this portion of this journey. David and I agreed that it is easiest to take each portion as it comes, and to try to not think too far ahead.  It is too overwhelming otherwise.

Chemo is scary.  Having four different kinds of poison run through my veins is terrifying in itself.  The surgery is a whole different kind of scary.  Surgery will change my physical appearance forever.  Seeing the before and after pictures at the plastic surgeons office was an experience that I will never forget.  

In the early morning hours of January 13th two amazing surgeons will begin working simultaneously for somewhere between 6 and 8 hours to remove my breasts and the ugly cancer that is inside of them. They will then recreate my breasts using my own tissue.  The end result (when healed) will be remarkable, but it will never physically be the me that I knew again.  I will never look like the me that my mother gave birth to, that my husband fell in love with, or the me that my beautiful babies have known again.  The breasts that I used to nourish Tommy & Elayna during their first year of life will be gone forever, my c-section scar will be erased.  I am slowly becoming a different version of myself.   

Cancer changes everything.

I am thankful to have a surgery date.  I am thankful to be able to begin to put this year and all it has brought with it behind me.  I do not do well with change, and I am apprehensive about this step in my journey to beat breast cancer.  I am confident that I will come through all of this, and that in time it will become a memory. But today it is all very real, and I am scared.

#fightlikeamommy

#itisstillmyfairytale

#imgonnaloveyouthroughit

Ellen had this beautiful little girl on her show.  The link should take you to a video of her singing to her mommy who is fighting stage 4 breast cancer.  I love how she looks at her mommy the whole time she is singing.  Ellen Tube

Thank you for all of your continued prayers and well wishes.  I could not do this without your support and love.

Half Way There

Sweet ones, I am so proud of you.  We are half way through this yucky.  Last weekend was so hard, it was rainy- super duper rainy and we were stuck in the house - and Mommy felt sick.  I think you had just both had enough because for the first time since all this stupid cancer started you asked for everything to just be normal again.  That is my biggest wish babies, that is why I am fighting so hard. I just want everything to be normal again more than you can imagine.

We are just about half way there.  I am halfway through the "yucky" chemo (my regimen is Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin, and Perjeta.  My treatment plan is called neoadjuvant chemotherapy.  I get 6 infusions of the TCHP cocktail in an effort to shrink or eradicate the tumor, then surgery to remove it.  I will then receive 7 and a half months of targeted chemotherapy.  It is a still going to be a long year, but we have come so far. Only 3 more treatments until surgery.

Yikes! Only 3 more treatments until surgery.  I know that the healing from that will be a different kind of uncomfortable than I am dealing with now.  It is my hope that I will feel more like me, but just be ouchy.  Daddy and I met with a wonderful plastic surgeon.  He and my breast surgeon both feel that I would be a good candidate for the DIEP Flap tissue surgery.  There are many benefits to the DIEP flap surgery, but we will continue to way all of the options carefully and make the best choice for all of us.

As long as everything goes as planned and mommy stays healthy my last of the TCHP treatments will be December 2nd.  After that my hair will begin to grow back, and I will start to feel like me again.  I can't wait for that to happen.  Surgery will be either the last week in December, or the first week in January.

There is also so much good news!  The lymph node that I was so worried about has completely gone away:)  and the surgeon confirmed this week that I will not need radiation.  I am so thankful.

Remember that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, continue to spread love and joy everywhere you go.  Know your body, perform self checks, encourage others to do the same.

Faith, Trust, and a Little Pixie Dust

My sweet loves, sometimes I forget that I started this blog for you. I love that I have this way of sharing your story with you. It is also nice to have a place to record this year of our lives - this year that I hope and pray will be a tiny blip, a distant memory.  I am in awe of how many people have found our story. A little over five thousand people have visited mommy's blog.  What a beautiful way to spread the word of early detection.

This weekend has been a whirlwind.  Mommy caught a little cold, and felt a little lump on the side of her neck so I went to the doctor to have it checked out.  He gave me an antibiotic for my cold, and did an ultra sound of the lump.  It turns out that it is a lymph node, they are calling it "suspicious." For the record, I officially don't like that word. It is the same word the radiologist used when mommy had her first mammogram.  I am lucky that I have an amazing surgeon, I mean really really amazing.  I texted her while I was with the doctor.  She told me not to worry, that it is very likely that the lymph node is swollen because of my runny nose and sore throat.  She is going to fit me in her schedule early next week to get a biopsy and make sure everything is ok.

Elayna, you have a sign in your room that says, "Faith, Trust, and a Little Pixie Dust." I bought it for you when you were just a baby.  I love the notion of it, and I believe that we can get through most of life's obstacles with faith, trust, and a little pixie dust.

Faith

Faith has always been so important to me.  I had the most amazing experience last week.  I have been setting up work sites for the high schools that I support.  One of them that I stopped at is Little Sisters of the Poor.  I adore going there, it reminds me of my grandparents.  I used to love going to church with them every Sunday.  I loved seeing the nuns in church, and being at Little Sisters of the Poor brings all of those memories back.  While I was there I told one of the nuns about my battle with breast cancer, she was so very kind.  She took my hands and prayed with me, and told me the beautiful story of Jeanne Jugan.  Her story is here Story of Jeanne Jugan.  I was touched by her kindness and exquisite story telling.  She asked me to wait for a minute, she had a gift that she wanted to give me.  She came back with the Saint Card of Jeanne Jugan as well as this beautiful statue.  The statue is so calming to me, she made of stone and is solid and heavy.  She makes me feel safe.

Trust

Mommy is so lucky to have an incredible medical team.  They are wise and creative, and they are so supportive.  I have my trust in them and in God that I will see you grow up and grow old.  That I will be there when you go to your first school dance, be with you when you drive your first car, be there to see the joy when you fall in love for the first time.  I have trust in them that I will get to be there when your babies are born, and that I will be there for all of the big and little milestones along the way.  

A Little Pixie Dust

This weekend we watched the new Cinderella.  It was beautiful, I mean really beautiful.  Cinderella's mommy told her to be brave, be kind, and to find the magic.  I love this notion.  We are surrounded by so much love. Tommy I wish you could see how excited you get when you know someone is bringing us dinner. The truth is I am not a very good cook, so you guys have been eating better than you ever have.  

We have been given the most beautiful, thoughtful gifts.  Beautiful fluffy blankets that feel like you are wrapped in a warm hug, gorgeous scarves, earrings, snacks, cards, artwork, and t-shirts.  I am stunned by the thoughtfulness and kindness that surround all of us during this time.

My sweet friend Autumn made me this - it is a little pixie dust to carry around with me.  I love it so much, she is so talented. You should check out her website, her artwork is stunning and creative and I am proud to call her my friend. This link should take you to her webpage-  Autumn Stewart

Have courage, and be kind.  This is still our fairy-tale.

Speechless...

There are not many times in my life that I have been speechless, but this Monday I was so overcome with emotion that I was truly at a loss for words.

Monday we had our first big meeting of the year.  I love them. Incredible people from all over the county gather together to share ideas and updates.  It is a place where real magic happens and I love being a part of it.

When I arrived at the meeting there were already a sea of people there. They all greeted me with big smiles.  Slowly, I noticed the scarves, hats, bandannas, and fun head bands adorning heads all over the room.  These amazing people, whom I have so much respect for did this for me. Professionals that I have known since I was in high school, others that I have known and worked with over the course of my career, and some that I have only recently met all came together and orchestrated this beautiful act of kindness for me.

They let me know without saying a word that they believe in me, that they know my struggle, and that they support me.

I felt the tears, I was so moved.  I don't know how to adequately describe the feeling of that morning. To be so wrapped in love and solidarity touched me in a way that I cannot describe.  I will never be able to say thank you eloquently enough to truly define how much your gesture meant to me.

I can tell you that I will hold that memory in my heart always, and that it will make me brave - even when I am not.

Thank you all for taking my breath away, and rendering me speechless.

The things I didn't know...

Cancer is scary.

I mean - I guess that is a given, right? I guess what I didn't expect is that it is a fear that does not subside.  Every ache or pain I am struck with new worry that the cancer has spread - tiny microscopic monsters that could be floating around my body. Every few months for the rest of my life I will have repeat MRI's and CT scans to check and make sure it hasn't. I am thankful for that, the peace of mind that it will bring.  I know that it will be the waiting for the results that will be the hardest.

My first time walking the the Virginia Cancer Institute my heart broke. There are so many people there every day, all day getting treatment for cancer.  There are also places just like this all over Richmond, all over the state, all over the world - too many people that are suffering from this yuck of cancer.  The very first time that I came I had to walk through a storm of Ambulances and Fire Trucks.  I don't know why they were there, but I do know that the image will never leave my mind.

What strikes me the most is that everyone has a smile on their face, I am sure they all share the same fears that I do. The fears that I do my best to keep at bay, the ones I would never in a million years speak out loud.  In the quiet of the night is the worst.

I have made some truly amazing friends here, and meet new people each time I come in.  We are all on slightly different journeys out to slay the same dragon.

The doctors did tell me lots of  things to expect: fatigue, hair loss - eventually even my eyebrows and eyelashes, bone pain, possible loss of my fingernails and toe nails, bruising easily, easily susceptible to germs.

Lots of warnings - no hugs, no handshakes, no large crowds, no buffets, no pedicures, ect, ect.  In the most basic terms if I wouldn't let a newborn do it, I shouldn't do it either.

It is the hug/handshake that is the hardest for me, especially being back at work, and having the kids back at school.  There are so many of you that I haven't seen in a few months, when I see you the first thing I want to do is wrap you up in a great big hug and tell you that I am ok.  My tummy hurts, I am sometimes tired and a little sore, I am scared, but I am ok.

As I walk into each new school building, or I am out in the community scouting new work sites for my precious students it is instinctive to reach out and shake someones hand.  It is so hard to explain to each new person why I can't.  Retelling my story is like peeling off a band aid each time, and everyone has a different response.

The last round of chemo made me break out in acne - like I was 12.  It was terrible and humiliating. I was totally unprepared for that.  It is because the drugs are forcing my 36 year old body into an early menopause.

I also didn't know how fast my hair would actually fall out.  It is possible that this is different for everyone.  I was told to expect to see hair on my pillow, and in the shower.  My experience was so much different. On Friday I was shedding, a few strands at a time - by Saturday it was falling out in clumps, by Monday I had lost more hair than I still had on my head and we all knew it was time. Tommy said that he couldn't watch.  I think my hair means just as much to him as it does to me.  For as long as I can remember whenever we cuddle on the couch he has taken a strand of my hair to twirl in his sweet little fingers.  Elayna on the other hand was excited to play beauty shop.  I put what was left in a tiny pony tail and she went to work with her little Fiskar safety scissors cutting it off.  Then David did the hard part, he was so brave.  I know it was hard on him to shave my head.  When he was done he kissed it and told me I was beautiful. Seeing myself in the mirror was hard, watching the babies see me was worse.  We are all getting a little more used to it now.  It is still hard in the mornings when they wake up and see me and I am still sick.  They both ask me just about every day if I still have cancer.  This is going to be a long year for all of us.

Wigs are tricky, I think this is mainly because I have never worn anything on my head other than a pony tail or a bun.  I am getting used to it, but it is HOT and ITCHY!  But, it is also pretty glamorous and helps me to feel more like me so I am learning to deal with it.  I learned yesterday that it is adjustable, I made it just a little looser and now it is so much more comfortable.  My aunt and mother in law have made me the most beautiful wraps and caps that I wear at home and one of my colleagues is going to teach me how to expertly wrap a scarf. I looked up some you tube videos to try and teach myself, but true to form I am a Kinesthetic learner and need to see it and feel it, and then practice it.

I did not know, nor was I prepared for how many of you would be touched my my story.  I love getting the texts, messages, letters, emails, phone calls, and wall posts.  It all makes me feel so loved. What I really love is all of you that have gotten mammograms and are doing self checks because of my story.  Early detection is the key, thank you all so much for promoting that.

Messages from former students make my heart swell each time, just seeing your names pop up brings tears to my eyes.  All of your support makes it easier to get through each day.

Thank you all so much for your love and prayers, and support of my family.  Those of you who have provided us with dinner and treats, I will never be able to thank you enough.  It is so nice to not have to worry about preparing dinner, I had no idea just how wonderful that would be.

Remember to hug your babies, smile at strangers- smile at everyone, and live every day to its maximum!  Please continue to spread the word of early detection.

All my love!

Rebecca